Emotional Pace

Pace, sync, simpatico - whatever you call it. Recently I have discovered that this is one of the most, if not the most, important ingredients in a successful relationship.

It's what some people mean when they say 'timing'. Let's face it, timing isn't about how much money you have, or don't, what kind of job or car you have and whether it all is 'good enough', no, it's about your inner timing.

When one person is more ready for the emotional involvement of a relationship than the other, it's called 'bad timing' for lack of a better word. A relationship demands a great deal of emotional vulnerability, and if you haven't cleared up your shit enough to do that then that's when the trouble starts.

You could want a relationship, meet someone great. Have a fantastic few months, 'I love you's' even spoken, but that doesn't mean you are emotionally ready.
There is this thing that happens with successful couples (note I didn't say 'happy' because no couple is always happy - stop that delusion right now), and that is emotional pace. You both run at the same one. Some couples have one who is just over that hill and one who's further ahead, and it won't work out. Others have one at the bottom and one at the top, again, disaster. You will always be struggling to understand them, and vice versa. It will feel like you do all the work, when they do none. Or if you are at the bottom, you will feel pressured and not ready, sometimes even manipulated.

This seems to happen around the magical 6 month marker. When one day you wake up and realize 'shit, this is a relationship!'. You either panic, or you smile. Or both. If you're lucky, the person you are with is making the same face, and having the same reaction as you. That's damn fine emotional pace. That moment when it clicks - brilliant.

With good emotional pace you don't panic if the other hasn't said 'I love you' yet, you don't freak out if you aren't married within a year, and you take your time - and it seems easy that way. The emotional aspect comes naturally, you flow from one stage to another - no pressure. Emotional pace just being one part, there are other things that can fuck up a good thing. But if you have emotional pace it really does make it easier, more focused as a couple. You are really together, and you feel it.

Nothing is worse than that feeling that you love someone more than they love you, or feeling like you're wasting your time. You love them, but it's just not right and you can't figure it out. You ask yourself 'why?' when it doesn't end well. You remember all the tender good moments, the 'I love you's', and you are left spinning as to why it didn't work. Emotional pace.

Quite often, just to play devil's advocate, a guy will really love and care about a woman, but feel pressured into too much, too soon. Maybe he's not over the last drama of a relationship, maybe he was almost there but not quite, and maybe the woman wasn't ready either - but wanted a relationship so badly that she over-amped it. Demanded more commitment than even she was really ready for. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her, even though it didn't work out, it doesn't even mean he doesn't maybe see things happening in the future. We women tend to be very black and white with relationships. If they don't want a relationship with us, they must not care, if they don't care, we say fuck off. All of this being an inner assumption.
Not true from the majority of guys I speak with.

Many are just not ready, and just felt too trapped, consumed. But I speak with the same guys a year later, and they are ready to settle down. Maybe they regret what happened. But, the woman has closed the door. So the guy moves on. What else can he do.

Of course this scenario works in reverse as well, I was just using a 'for instance'. Quite commonly though it is the woman pressuring the man for more, feeling inadequate and insecure when he doesn't want more, and being devasted when he ends it. But these women have to realise that it isn't them, it's the emotional pace.

By no means am I talking about when it's blatantly obvious your man is an asswiping dickhead of a commitment phobic emotional moron - then just run. far and fast. I'm talking about real life nice couples that don't work out for some reason or another and neither can pinpoint why. Some say 'he had too much baggage and couldn't deal' or 'she was a controlling bitch who wouldn't let me do anything'...there is always more to it isn't there. Every onion has it's layers, and most of the time when you aren't emotionally connected to yourself and what you want it results in behaviours that can destroy a relationship. You have to be honest about what you are ready for. And put the baggage away, once and for all. Deal with it, find someone with a matching set - not easy but worth it - and find out what good emotional pace is all about. And stop blaming yourself or them! We all see the wee red flags, we all have chosen to ignore them, we've all been there. Learn, grow. I've loved someone, deeply and madly, in the past - and we couldn't have been more out of sync. It became painfully more apparent when, in our dying days, he admitted that he never wanted what he said he did, that he had just said it to 'make me happy and make himself want it'...ouch. OUCH. I know I'm not alone, I know that others have gone through this - male and female. I also see where I went wrong, wanting something that I wasn't ready for and maybe trying to polish a turd in the process.

Timing. Is. Everything.


x

10 signs of Crazy...

Taking one of my wee strolls on the magical, mystical interweb during lunch...came across this article in one of my not so favourite sites. It's a list of ' How to tell your Girl is Crazy'. However, I found it interesting and would like to counter a few points.

We can all be a bit crazy sometimes, we all have our triggers. So I find this a bit misleading and inflammatory...but see my comments below:

Number 10
She calls you endlessly
She's constantly checking up on you to find what you're doing, who you're with, how your day is going, and so on. The telephone seems to be her monitoring device; a way of knowing where you are at all times. And if you happen to not answer one of her calls, she'll keep hounding you until you pick up, and then drill you about not answering. This is more than just annoying; it leads you to question her behavior and underlying mental state.

Ok, endlessly is quite subjective. And I agree, nothing is a buzz killer like the 20 phone call a day bullshit. So, man or woman, keep it under control ok??? Sign of crazy, naaaa, just a little too much.

Number 9
She's been in weird relationships
As you get to know a girl, she'll likely open up to you about her past. When she does, listen to find out what kind of guys she's dated. Keep an ear out for a history of emotionally- or physically-abusive relationships. Does she claim that her 10 past boyfriends all had clinical problems, or coincidentally all got restraining orders against her? Pick up on her past relationship experiences to find out what they say about her.


Who the fuck hasn't been in a weird relationship????? Pffft. In fact, I don't want to be with any man who hasn't had at least one. That way you appreciate good ones.
As for the long repeat history of it, or claiming that all your ex's were nuts, well that I agree is a bit of a flag. Could just be complete self-denial issues, but regardless, you are dealing with someone who isn't mature enough to step up and claim accountability. But nuts, naaaa.
As long as the baggage is carry-on level, carry on!


Number 8
She hijacks your family and friends
She's infiltrated your circle of family and friends like an intelligence operative. Maybe she goes shopping with your sister, or regularly talks to your mom on the phone. She might even go to the movies with your best friend's girlfriend. And while all this might be innocent in and of itself, the problem is that you don't even know that she's doing it. It seems that her motivation is to find out more about you, or build alliances with your friends and family. And the end result is that it'll be harder to dump her because she'll have your loved ones in her pocket.

I find this one way out of order. If you are spending time with your bf and his friends and family, it's only natural that you will find at least one of them that you get along with really well, and perhaps do go to the movies/shopping with. I find it very controlling to suggest that your gf isn't allowed to strike up a friendship with anyone close to you, yet, you insist she hangs out with them. Can anyone say 'arm candy'????? You can always tell the difference between honesty and manipulation, use your brain guys.

Number 7
She argues in public
It's normal for couples to have disagreements, but she instigates confrontation... in public, no less. She'll accuse you of one thing, then scream at you because of another. Whatever the reason, it's never the time and place for her outbursts. Furthermore, she nitpicks and criticizes you in front of your friends and family.


Um. Ah. Um. K....so I have been accused of, and yes I confess, I do this. Now, remember that most of the time alcohol is involved, and lets face it, some of us can't handle our booze as well as others, or we are just a bad drunk. I fall into the later category. I have tried to control this, to some success. But, trust me, if you piss me off when I've had a few you will hear about it. And yes, it could be about anything. Sorry, I'm not perfect. Moving on....

(however, I never nitpick or criticise, I will tease and cajole and wind up, but never humiliate)

Number 6
She's unpredictable
You can never anticipate her behavior and what sort of mood she'll be in. She has wild mood swings, breaking down and crying spontaneously or screaming over petty things for no apparent reason. She might even be clinically bipolar. In any case, she's a loose canon, one who could become violent and physically attack you or hurt herself. You should consider all this before making her part of your life. Who's she to give you the third degree?


Oh ya, I forgot, because men's moods are soooooo damn predictible. Give me a break.
We are all human. We have PMS, workloads, kids, money drama, family issues etc etc. There are many reasons why we ALL behave this way on occasion. If you want Mary Sunshine, move to fucking Cloud 9 dude. Being overly emotional and consistently unpredictible mood-wise isn't good though, and you should probably seek medical help. Seriously, I know women/men like this and it turned out to be a thyroid problem, and there are many health problems that can cause this....not making excuses, but let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater k?

And why is it always down to 'the third degree' with men. One little outburst and it's the first thing out of your mouth....jeesh

Number 5
She lies constantly
She lies to you compulsively about everything and anything, big or small, and does so for no reason. She might fib about going to a movie, when she really went to have a coffee with her girlfriend. She might not necessarily be trying to hide something, which is makes the lies so strange. If you observe her consistently lying to friends, family and co-workers, there's no reason to think that she isn't lying to you, too. You might have a pathological headcase on your hands.

K, I agree completely about this one. I am big on honesty. Especially if there is nothing to hide, why are you hiding?
I wouldn't say nutter, but definitely not a healthy person. Or they have been trained to lie, but make sure you know why first. Then dump them if it continues. Who needs that grief?

Number 4
She interrogates you
In her eyes, you can do no right. So, she likes to play detective and find out what mischief you've been up to. She wants to know why you were 10 minutes late meeting her. Or she demands the details of the discussion you had while you were hanging out with a buddy. Your answers will never be enough. She always wants to know more; she must know anything and everything that involves you


Are we talking about 'hey honey, how was your night last night?' or 'where were you, who was there, what did you eat'.... some questions are normal, and are part of getting to know someone and their likes/dislikes/patterns of behaviour. Delving into conversations is just plain weird though, so if your bf/gf starts asking what you talked about with a friend, ask why, it's odd.

Number 3
She snoops around
It starts with an invasion of your privacy, and then, to make matters worse, she confronts you about whatever it is she thinks she discovered. Maybe it's restricted to casual glances around your apartment for clues of other women in your life. Or it could go as far as to involve thorough searches of your living and work spaces, including the monitoring of e-mail or voice messages without your knowledge.

This one hit close to home. I have only ever done this twice in my life. First time, well I have no idea why I did it, other than I was feeling insecure in the relationship and figured their must be a reason why he didn't seem to care about me anymore. I looked at a phone bill, that's it. Found nothing. Let it be.

Second time, bad. Again, I don't know why, but it was honest, honourable intentions. But went horribly awry. I thought he had gotten bad news on his cell via text, as his mood had drastically changed. Next day I looked (smacking myself now for you). And well, I found something I wish I hadn't. I confronted him. It wasn't pretty. We were both in the wrong. His texting who he texted, and the content thereof, and me for invading his privacy. A lot of trust was broken that day. A lot.

I don't advise doing this, ever. I know we all have at some point. But try to stop yourself.
and for the record, guys do it too....

Number 2
She freaks over other women
They could be hot, or not, but she freaks out regardless. Whether it's with an elbow nudge or a discreet (or not-so-discreet) pinch of your arm, she's going to let you know that you shouldn't be looking. The really scary thing is that you may not even be looking in the first place. She might also demand that you stop hanging out with female friends or communicating with ex-girlfriends. This sort of jealousy is an example of serious insecurity.

Ok, again, a lot of variables. And it's about respect. My level of respect-ation might be different than yours. Fact of the matter is that you and your man have to come to an agreement as to what's acceptable and what isn't.
I'm a flirt, but never blatant or disrespectful.
He's a flirt, big time, and yes occasionally pisses me off and steps over the line. But, he knows my boundaries, and knows that I will walk away if necessary.

I would never ask any man I was with to give up his female friends though, unless there was a valid reason (ie - she comes on to him in front of me, or bad mouths me)...that would be unfair, and I have a lot of guy friends that I would hate to lose....so if someone asked me to do that for them I would be offended.

Number 1
She stalks you
She follows you around to "check up" on you. You might have told her that you were going for a few beers with your buddies at the local bar, only to have her show up unannounced. The worst part is that she thinks this is normal behavior! If she calls and e-mails you incessantly, and shows up at your home or office unexpectedly, you might be in need of a restraining order.

This is a biggie. We aren't talking about surprise romantic lunches being brought to his work. If you ever find yourself feeling like you should 'just go to the pub to see if he's there' and even to the extent of calling a friend to come with you...well, you need to take a good look at your serious insecurities. Now if you suspect him of cheating, and have valid reason to, then be prepared for what you might find.

But constant 'stalking' is just not cool, and definitely a sure sign of a Crazy Girl....


so, what are your thoughts????

xo
Cheekie aka The Teeny Bit Crazy But Perfectly Harmlessish Chick

green and red eyed holiday themed monster

ah yes, jealousy.
ugly, insecure, pathetic, passionate, regretful jealousy.

you and i have been so called 'pals' for quite awhile now.
and frankly, i'm just not that into you, anymore.

oh sure, at first you were kinda cute, sexy even. getting all riled up
and wrinkling your nose like that, fire in your eyes.

but now, well darlin' you are just plain ugly.

how you ever got into my life in the first place i can't quite recall.
probably around the same time as my first training bra, yes i know it's because my friend's was a bigger one. bitch. and then there was that time that he said he liked me and then asked HER to the dance. slut.

oh but remember that time that we threw the phone across the room and broke it? ya, good times.

my fave has to be this last one though. he had to go and have a pint with HER didn't he. had to get all tipsy and reminisce with her, didn't he. even though he came back to me, told me everything, he still even thought of another person. how dare he. so what if he has known her for 8 years. so what if they had been through a lot together. so what if she is with someone in a ltr now. you and i know the truth right jealousy?

yep. we have it all sorted out.
they are all lying, cheating bastards and we had better call them on it before they break our hearts. and while we are at it, maybe we should continue to make a fool out of ourselves - you know - just to ensure that he thinks we are completely insane. that is always a good chuckle.

ah, j, such a laugh with you.
but i think it's time to move on.

you see, i don't need you in my life anymore. i have enough to worry about, that is tangible, than whether or not some guy i care about has actually spoken to someone else that he cares about. i know he cares about me, so, you have to stop trying to convince me otherwise.

you are no good for me, j, our time has run it's course.
i'm a big girl now, and it isn't cute anymore.

don't be sad though, i know lots of other people who would welcome you with open arms, i know you will never be alone. as long as people put their hearts in the hands of others, there will be insecurity and doubt. as long as we continue to put ourselves on the line for love, you will have a place to rear your ugly head. besides, if it weren't for you we wouldn't have this misconception about love, passion and romance. that says something about your power doesn't it?

don't worry j, i haven't found another neuroses to move in.
i'm full up.

it's not you, it's me.


xoxo
cheekie

keep your expectations low, but be prepared to bring your hopes down to meet them....cheekie 2008

Here I am.
Here I be.
I am me.

A little Cheekie Suess for you there.

Having a rather interesting/difficult/fun/whirlwind of a time right now.

I guess the major thing right now for me is work. Busy as a two dollar hooker.
That's two dollar's American, the Canuck Buck ain't worth crap right now...


The other, as usual, my constant quest to understand men.
I. Give. Up.

What is it about men, either they think themselves way too good for you, or the opposite.
Which is worse?
Why do some men never feel they can measure up, give you what you need.
Is it your expectations being projected, or their own?

I think it is their own.
If you think about the men who say 'I am not good enough for you' or 'I can't give you what you need'...well, the majority have some pretty high expectations of a relationship.
Their parents are/were together a long time.
They grew up in a loving stable home. (generalizing from some personal experiences of late...this certainly isn't the norm)

They want nothing less.
Yet.
They do everything in their power to prove how incapable they are of this.
They drink too much, don't call, sleep with anything....
Do they feel that there is no way to measure up to the example they had?
Do they feel unworthy???

I don't get it. I don't understand. Help me.

No one in their right mind thinks they are perfect at relationships.
No ONE.
No one feels that they are 'good enough' for the absolute best in life.
And don't tell me you do, deep deep down.
Yes, you may feel you 'deserve' happiness, that you are worthy of it.
But honestly, do you really feel that the world owes you the best???

God I hope not.

All I want is someone to laugh with, love with, share with.
That's it.
I don't need a house in the suburbs.
I don't need a man that never drinks/smokes/stays out watching the game with his buddies.

I want to give and receive love and respect.

Now.

Is that too much to ask???
Nope. And darlin' you deserve it too.
And I hope you find it, cause one day, I will.

With or without you.
xoxo
Cheekie

Wanted: Wild men. Only selected applicants will be contacted.

Remember that line from SATC, when Carries says:

'I thought I was looking for someone to tame me, when now I realise that I just want someone wild to run with'...

Well, I've started to realise the same.

All this time I have thought that I could tame, and be tamed.

When fact of the matter is, I want to run wild with someone.

I have been fighting nature for years now, and it has caused me immense grief.

I am not talking about chucking it all to go get drunk and crazy every night.

I am talking about being true to myself, and what I want.

I want someone who wants to, enjoys, lives for the silly things in life.

Who would love nothing more than spur of the moment:

'hey let's go down the street and check out that band'

'let's go to Tahiti next week'

'Heyyyyy, let's go have sex in the backyard...of the neighbour's house'

'call in sick...wink wink'

' let's call everyone and have a party this weekend'

'hey, wanna go for a walk? in Paris?'

and even on occasion, just be damn lazy together. someone who will ask me if I am wearing any panties while we are out, and maybe I am or maybe I'm not. someone who will come up behind me and kiss my neck. someone who will love the way I look at them, and vice versa.

someone who will leave me alone when I want to be left alone, and vice versa.

he confuses, confounds, amazes, perplexes, frustrates, excites, entices, angers and comforts me. who loves me as much for who I am as for what I am not. someone who would be just as happy living in a tent with me as a suburban 3 bdrm with a double car garage. he doesn't need to have a car. doesn't need to have money. doesn't need to have anything. I just want him.

someone who will never expect me to be perfect.

and most definitely vice versa.

Call it drama. Call it whatever you want.

But simple fact of the matter is that this is what I always seem to gravitate towards.

The type of men I  am attracted to.  And I think, it's the reason they are attracted to me.

The rougher type. The slightly off kilter type. The quirky guys. The slightly dangerous guys.

The troubled type.

The Wild Men.

The problem is when I allow my doubts, my fears about not having security and stability, not having 'perfection' to get in the way. Well that is when it all fucks up.

I have been under the misconception that what should be 'normal' is what I should have.

Fuck normal.

I would rather live out the rest of my life in a relationship that makes me happy. The real me happy. I would trade all the stability in the world to be with the one person that could even make that happen for a short time.

I have been grasping at stability and normality my whole life.

And my whole life I have felt something was 'off' and 'wrong' because I didn't have it.

You know why? Because deep down, waaaaaay deep down, I don't give a ratz about it.

Of course,  I don't want to live in a cardboard box, and no, I don't want to struggle financially for the rest of my days. That isn't what I mean by stability.

There are no certainties in life. None.

And part of being a worry wart/anxiety freakshow is the not knowing kills you.

Not knowing what might happen tomorrow causes me such stress. 

But isn't it supposed to be a surprise?

What if you knew everything right this second.

You knew what you were going to have for dinner next week, where you would go on vacation next year, what sex your next child was before you even conceived.

What if you knew the exact moment that your bf would call. Or you would get a promotion.

All these things. If we knew, what the hell would be the point?

I want to be kept on my toes.

I want to run wild. 

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

See, I have a problem.

I mean other than the obvious ones:

Smoking (ewww bad Cheekie)

Drinking (not as much as I'd like to)

Being a little nuts (but harmless)

Overreacting

Drama (actually I don't suffer from Drama, I'm just a carrier)

I freckle, never really tan

I feel 16, and act it often

I have a real 'thing' for seemingly 'bad' boys 

Yes, I know. But in my defense, they are never really horrible people. And never, ever physically violent (with me anyway). They just kinda run on the outside of normal. 

Either in look, attitude, thought...whatever, just aren't necessarily the nice, normal, stable guy that all my friends and family want to see me with. Not that I find nice guys boring at all, in fact, I totally dismiss the differences. I don't like the terms 'good boy' or 'bad boy'. 

It's all a relative thing. 

And frankly, I know some of the baddest assholes in town, and they are the sweetest most adorable guys you would ever meet. And you wouldn't even talk to them if you met them somewhere. I know it. You might even cross the street, in favour of the guy on the other side who looks like Ted Bundy. Point made and hopefully taken.

So when my friends and family question my judgement. And yes, this has happened more than a couple of times. It hurts.

When I hear or have heard that they will basically cut me off, or that I might lose friends because I have chosen to be around someone they don't like, or someone they perceive as a threat to me, no matter what their good intentions, it pretty much kills me. It diminishes my ability to make judgements for myself, and makes me feel untrustworthy. 

I should never, nor would I ever, make that choice.

Funniest part is that not ONE of these guys that I have dated has ever, nor would ever, make me make that kind of choice. In fact, if they knew that my friends or family had said these things it would hurt them too.

It isn't right to place ultimatums and conditions on friendship. Or family (for crapsake!).

How dare someone you love suddenly make it conditional to that extent?

As I said, a lot of people FEEL that they are doing the right thing.

They THINK they are protecting you.

But all they are doing is confusing you, and making you feel more and more alone.

More and more willing to accept less than you deserve the next time. For fear of reproach or judgement.

And what about if you decide to drop the guy and do as your friends or family request?

How's that for a kick to the old self esteem.

You trust your gut, you like someone 'unconventional' and believe you are doing what is best for you, and it makes you feel good.

Then you are told that you shouldn't trust your gut, you are wrong, it is bad, and if you continue it you won't have your friends/family to rely on.

That can crush a person.

No matter what your feelings are, no matter what your judgements are, they are YOURS.

You do not have a right to place your judgement or your values or your conditions on anyone else.

I would never, ever, treat someone that way, never have never will.

I would never ask a friend or threaten a friend with loss of my friendship in that manner.

Never.

If you have serious concerns about how a friend is being treated, definitely talk to them about it. But never threaten abandonment. 

That is a really dysfunctional thing to do, and just as emotionally abusive as any arsehole abuser.

Our friends and family are our anchors.

We may drift around in the wind, but they hold us steady.

Don't pull up the anchor on people.

They'll just sail away.

Garaunteed.

Women are crazy and men are stupid. The reason women are crazy is because men are so stupid...

Or are they.
Are they really the 'enemy'?
Truly at fault for all of our pain, anguish...and yes, crazy?

Some of it, hell ya, most of it, nope.

I have a news flash for you.
Men. Are human.
Yup, you heard it here first.

They cry, they hurt, they feel, they mess up, they smile, they laugh, they fight, they love.
Just like us.
Only differently.
The old mars-venus thing.

We seem to have lost touch with our innate differences, and we somehow expect men to react
and behave the way WE would react and behave as women. Recipe for disaster. Especially since these days we really have problems figuring out WHAT to think.

Do you think our Grandmothers sat there freaking out because a boy didn't call when he said he would?
Ask your Gram. I know what mine would say, 'well he is probably busy, he will call when he can'.
Perfect common sense, and probably true. If you ask a male friend his opinion of the same situation, he would say the same. Right? 'prob busy, i'm sure he'll call when he can'

Ask a gf? 'what? but didn't he say he would call? what a jerk, you deserve better'...

Now, have our expectations of men to behave in such a way as to never disappoint us, never mess up and definitely never make us cry caused a bit of a tightrope performance for them?
Imagine the pressure, if you will, of having those expectations on you in order to have someone sleep with you/like you/love you/smile at you. 

Hell ya, they should work for it. But not bleed for it.

Play hard to get, not impossible to be with.

As women, we don't really instinctively understand these things anymore.
We get wound up over the slightest slight.
We forget.
We forget that we inherently know that by nature, men just don't go around nurturing their relationships in the same way
we do. Not that they don't, or do it badly, they just do it differently.

How many times have you said 'But it's so perfect when we are alone together, but then I don't see him for a week and I freak out and he doesn't call/email/text when he says he will'...
What is more important to you?
That your man loves and respects you when he is with you? or that he calls at precisely 8:45 pm on Tuesday.

I know you are probably saying that it's inconsiderate, that I am letting guys off the hook.
I'm not, trust me. But, I think we need a bit of a reality check.
We are giving them too much power over our happiness.
Think about it. Generations ago, when couples were separated for months at a time 

(war, farming, hunting, gathering..)
all they had was perhaps a letter a week/month. Did people give up on each other? No.
Of course now we can communicate 24/7 if we choose to. But.
Have people's natural instincts and though patterns changed? Have men and women as animals changed?  I don't believe so.

Those inherent differences were there 20/200/2000 yrs ago just as they are today.
Only the wrapping (society) has changed. The expectations have changed.
We expect nothing but the best for ourselves and from our men.
We should want to be content and have a good life.

But, is it fair or reasonable to expect/demand it all?
Have people stopped breaking each others hearts?
Have men stopped cheating? No, and now women do it too, just as often.
Do we understand each other any better?
Nope. So. What's going on?

Times have changed drastically since WWII. I think this was a huge turning point.
Women's place in society has changed, shifted, turned itself end to end a few times.
From the 50's housewife to the powersuit 80's to the political candidates and r+b singers buying themselves their own bling...
But are we any the wiser?

Look at Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe....beautiful, smart, tragic, flawed, independent...but they never ceased to feel the need to 'connect' with a man (sometimes more than a few times)...and they are seen as weak for this. Flawed for needing/wanting a man.

But is it weak? Or is it natural.

Are our expectations fighting our natural needs, wants, desires and dammit, womanliness...

The 'Patient, Long Suffering' wives/women of our past have made us into 'Impatient, Short Suffering' wives/women of today.
No, I am not saying that I want a return to the kitchen. Although I do have a thing for 50's clothes...but for dancing, not vacuuming.
I am talking bigger picture.
Our perceptions of what we feel is owed to us, what we expect from our lives, what we expect from others and society in general. It's quite amazing really.

In all of our talk about equality, power and fairness, have we been fair to ourselves really? And men?
We have given them even more power now over us then they ever have.
And in turn put more pressure on them to measure up.
Are they really that responsible for our every feeling, how our day might turn out or whether or not we will be happy?
The way some of us talk, you would think so. And you know what, it's normal.
It is natural and human to want to connect and share a life.

It's not a weakness.

But I am not seeing much sharing.
I am seeing a lot of taking. On both sides.
Without giving anything back. Or one gives, the other takes.
Or instant gratification. It's easy isn't it. I've done it. No muss, no fuss, no commitment, no emotional bs.

What I want is for women to get back to what we have seem to have lost.
Our inherent beauty, our gift, the thing that makes us who we are and why men can't and wouldn't want to be without us. And something we should be proud of and not ashamed of, or feel that we are being 'played' because we nurture this in ourselves...

it's the one thing that all great women throughout history have had that we seem to be lacking.

It's Knowing. Just Knowing.

The Rules of the Game...are there any?

OK, so this is a subject that has come up amongst me and my friends, and others, more than once.
Dating and the question of 'exclusivity'...

Now, when you are casually dating, is it okay to be dating others?
How many? How often?
Sex or no sex?
Should they all know you are 'playing the field'?
And, conversely, if you are casually dating, but only one person at
at time, do you 'spoil the game' and tell them?
What if they are dating others, and you aren't, how do you handle that?
Or, if you are dating others and they aren't.
Does that make you subconsciously think that they are more 'serious' than you?

See, I have always been a one on one person.
Even when casually dating.
I am just not built for the playing the field. It isn't me at all.
This doesn't necessarily mean I am getting way too serious about
one person, although due to the fact that I am a single mom my time is
very limited so therefore my spare time does end up being spent
with whomever I am dating...

This can indeed come off as more serious than it is, but if I am enjoying
one person's company, and vice versa, and I don't want to play around,
wtf is wrong with that?

Now, dating in and of itself is a whole realm of insecurities and misunderstanding and
sometimes bullshit.
And I am allergic to bullshit.
Although I seem to create enough of it...lol.

So, what happens too when you BOTH lead the other to think that it is an
exclusive thing? Either by outwardly saying so, or by your actions (ie. spending most of your free time together).
Does this have a tendency to come off as 'too fast' and scare off one or the other?

I am really curious.
What is the general consensus here???

Do men want to think that the woman they are dating is only dating them, but feel
that they have the freedom to date whomever they like?
That is the impression I get, and I do know that statement goes both ways.
Some women want to think their guy is exclusive, but want to be able to play.

Or is it a game?
You know, give the impression that they are soooo in demand that they are dating a lot of people, or are at least wanting that option should it arise.

I feel it is an individuals right and option to do what they want.
However, when one person doesn't want to share, and tells the other this
and tells the other that they aren't fooling around, even in a casual scenario,
when is it ok to suddenly decide that you DO want the freedom to date around?
Is it ok? Can you change the rules of the game?

Hmmmmmm....
Curious, cause this isn't high school, adult dating is very different.
Maybe I am naive, maybe I am too intense, maybe I am just not aware of the game.

Thoughts??? Cause I would love to hear them!

xoxo

Lessons...

More thinking, ya, as if that was possible, about why I tend to get myself so riled up.

So upset, so spun, just sooooo...well, distrusting, of myself and perhaps others.

I think this latest thing to happen in my life is a prime example.

I am repeating the same lessons until I actually learn something from it.

Instant Karma thing...

Fact of the matter is, no matter what negative things I read, hear or see and no matter what positive things I read, hear or see, well, I am the only one who has to live with me. 

And my decisions, and my reactions.

There are many out there who would call me a fool (for many many reasons...lol). There are many who consider me tough (not quite sure why, but hey, it's what I am putting out there so my bad for making it so).

Basically there is an opinion to corroborate whatever line of thinking you choose. And whatever mood you are in.

The internet, Google, you can search ANYTHING.

Have a wart? OMG it might be cancer.

Have a bf who doesn't call? OMG he is fucking around.

Mother torments you? OMG you have to tell her off.

You understand my drift here?

But, your mood, your thoughts, your actions, are only yours.

We ALL have doubts occasionally.

WE ALL need people around us that we can go to for a good vent, or to remind us of why we chose the path we did.

But WE ALL need to just stop, and believe.

BELIEVE in yourself. Your gut. 

There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer.

There is only YOUR answer.

Make your decisions, based on your knowledge of right and wrong and just and fair.

Then live with them, embrace them, stick to them.

Integrity, loyality and trust are so so rare these days.

Everyone seems to want to be a cynic. They want to tell you you are fucking up. I am not sure why, why some people get this joy out of always assuming the worst of you. Of your decisions. But seriously, if you are the type of person who likes to rain on other people's parades, might I just say 'Shut the FUCK up'. 

It is hard enough these days to make a decision and stick to it, we are all so damn insecure, we really don't need friends making us feel more so. 

So try to shut out the negativity. 

Just because you are a pessimist it doesn't make it any more real than optimism. It's a 50/50.

Of course pessimists call themselves 'realists'...holy crap is that ever bullfuckingshit.

It's just as real that things could go well. 

They could go badly, of course, but telling someone that will pretty much make it so.

Manifest destiny and all.

So, be kind, be there, be nice.

BUT.

Keep your crap to yourself. 

I have enough of my own crap to deal with...tyvm.

Remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all, asshole.

(sorry for the potty mouth tonight, but I just felt like gettin' my curse on...)

xo

Space...Cheekie's final frontier

Space.

It can mean many things.

Outer space, office space, loft space, myspace....

but is there any other word when dealing with relationships that invokes more fear,

more paranoia or more insecurity then that one little word?

'Just please give me space'

'I need some space'

etc.

We have all heard it.

Some of us have even said it.

There are many reasons to need it.

There are many excuses that get covered up by it.

Cowards use it to avoid situations, confused people use it to figure things out, and sometimes, well, you just need it.

Maybe there are things you have to deal with, physically, emotionally.

You could be in a really rough place at work, and need to focus, and in order to do so you have to have space to deal with it properly.

Emotionally speaking, sometimes people need to step back, figure out what they want.

This is especially true if you have had bad luck in relationships before and are trying to change that. You need to focus on you and not get swept up too readily. 

And sometimes, people have a really hard time breaking concentration from a priority.

Be it children, money woes, etc.

These people need the space to hunker down and deal with the big life issues at hand, without distraction, without having to worry about someone else. Temporarily. So space is a necessity.

So, what do you do when you are asked to give space?

Natural reaction is a defensive one. Natural reaction is to take it personally.

Freak out. Doubt. Feel insecure. Think all kinds of horrible things.

Even if you have nothing to base it on, you suddenly think negatively.

You could have been reassured to the nth degree that it has nothing to do with you at all, but you don't hear it.

How's that working out for you?

Sounds familiar doesn't it?

I've done it. The freaking. The panic. 

The constant and repeated phone calls asking 'why?', which of course is an invasion of space and completely counter-productive to the request.

I have also asked for space, been on the other side, and I know how it feels to be mistrusted, to be accused, to be the one having to reassure someone - someone who you care about a lot, someone you have no intention of losing, someone who you wish would respect you.

Of course, what's the alternative?

Give them the space.

It's really the only option.

If you force the issue, you can pretty much garuntee that it won't end well.

Either they will be manipulated by your pleas, which will leave them resentful - not healthy.

Or, they will run. Like the wind. As far away from you as possible.

Giving someone the space they need, the space they request is the most respectful, caring, loving thing you can do.

Of course, this runs against my natural instinct to hunt them down with assorted weaponry.

But. I am growing up.

I am learning from my past mistakes.

I have never done this before, to be honest.

And you know what?

It doesn't feel that bad.

It feels a hell of a lot better knowing that someone I care about knows that I care enough and respect enough to honour their wishes.

And to know, in my heart, that it isn't because of me. It isn't because they don't care. It isn't because they don't want me. I am not being lied to. I am not being 'abandoned'. 

I am not being made a fool.

Only I can do that to me. No one else can make me feel small.

If I even thought, really thought, for one second that I was being mistreated in any way shape or form, of course I would not be this patient, understanding, goddess before you. :-)

So, I am being a bigger person.

In my heart.

And you know what?

I got the reassurances. 

I didn't even have to ask, or whine, or wheedle them out.

I have already received more caring and acceptance from him than many others in my life.

It's my turn.

If you want respect and trust from another person, you have to be willing to give it too.

This is huge for me.

You have no idea.

Really. You don't.

Ok, some of you do...lol.

That's the funny thing about belief.

It's easy to believe when everything is rosy and good.

But real belief comes from maintaining it even when things aren't.

What other choice do you have really.

If you decide to disbelieve, you will not only drive yourself batty, but pretty much drive the other person away. Jadedness and bitterness are just a hairsbreath away.

With believing, even if things don't work, you know that you did the right thing.

You know that you will always respect yourself for it.

And so will the other person.

And who knows? 

The future, my dears, is unwritten.

But every good writer knows, you have to have an outline of how you would like your story to go.

Now, to find a cute spacesuit....

xoxo

Gutted

Well, it seems that for all of my talk about trusting your gut and following your own heart, I am having a bit of a problem following my own advice.

Cobbler's shoeless kid, that's me.

You see, basically trusting your gut entails trusting yourself.

Trusting your judgement.

Trusting your heart.

Taking that leap of faith that maybe, just maybe, you do know what is best for you.

Oh you can listen to other people's opinions, absorb what you want, what you need, or what you are even in the mood to hear.

But it basically boils down to this,

Whatever you and your fears want to believe is what you will hear.

That little voice inside you that has been there since birth gets buried once the fear and paranoia monster show up. They take over, and you question yourself.

There is pride as well, the fear of being made a fool of, the fear of making yet another mistake.

They can be a pretty overwhelming trio at times, consuming you and making you think and do things that you may not normally do.

They can also make you distrust.

Distrust others, but mainly yourself.

The more you question your gut, the lesser your inner trust becomes.

Trusting yourself is probably the hardest trust of all to learn.

No one wants to get hurt, especially by their own doing.

But in my experience, the only times I have been seemingly hurt or wronged is when I have done it to myself, caused it myself.

You cannot learn to trust any other human being until you learn to trust yourself.

And that, my dear readers, is so so so hard.

You want to believe your friend's when they tell you what to do or think or say.

Hell you might even want to believe me right now.

But I don't know you, nor you I.

Only you know you, and only you know what is best for you.

We, and yes I most definitely include myself in this , have to stand firm in our own beliefs and own gut. It's a hard struggle, and one that will take a lifetime to perfect, however it is the only way you can trust yourself, heal yourself and believe. You may be proven wrong, but the sting is lessened by the knowledge that you honestly, truly believed you were doing the right thing.

Because YOU told YOU to.

So my friends go for it, trust yourself, and I shall try to do the same from this day on, and hopefully in time I will be able to trust others and perhaps, just perhaps, be right in doing so.

xo

Cheekie

Influence, Judgment and the ability to know...

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other. A solemn consideration, when I enter a great city by night, that every one of those darkly clustered houses encloses its own secret; that every room in every one of them encloses its own secret; that every beating heart in the hundreds of thousands of breasts there, is, in some of its imaginings, a secret to the heart nearest it!
A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens



Got to thinking recently, due to that quote, about how well you can ever really know someone.
And how much second hand information can influence you as opposed to your own judgment.
I’m sure we have all had both experiences.
Let’s say you meet someone, totally at random, on your own, with no prior knowledge of them or their life before that moment. They can be whoever you choose them to be. No prejudice, no influence, no impediment.
You also have no idea what you might be in for, who their friends are, what their family is like. You have no choice but to trust. And it is almost easier in this circumstance to trust. You follow your gut, your friends are not there to guide you so you must do it yourself.
Of course, this all has a downside. They could have a very checkered past and you will not know until it’s too late.
But then again, they don’t know you either.
It’s a trust game.
A very exciting, enticing experience.

Now what about the converse situation. One where you know someone, even remotely, and you know some things about them, second-hand of course, and you may even hear bad things about them. Or good.
How much does that affect your opinion?
I know myself that not everyone likes me, nor agrees with my choices.
But those who do know and love me, well, they do so because they know my heart.
They don’t judge me by some perhaps not-so-smart decisions.
They know the real me, they also know that any hearsay is just that.
But someone else might judge, might not give me that chance just on that basis alone.
Is that a fair shake?

So, what do you do?
Do you trust yourself, your own judgment?
Or do you listen to everyone else and possibly not give someone a fair chance because of it.

There are many platitudes about judgmental behaviour, I am not going to repeat them…
Suffice to say, that unless you have been mistreated, abused or otherwise personally been affected negatively by the person in question, the best route is to use your
own guidance, your own sense of good and bad, and most importantly, judge someone only by how they treat you, how they make you feel in their presence.

Don’t listen to gossip. Don’t believe everything you read or hear, hell even see sometimes.
And please, don’t judge.
You never, ever know the truth by second hand alone.
Even your friends, in their misguided yet well meaning advice, might advise you to stay away from someone, or not associate with certain people.
Of course their heart is in the right place, but when pressed, almost 90% of the time this advice is by hearsay alone. They don’t know them personally.
Now if their best friend, mother, sister, roommate, says stay away…well maybe you should think about doing just that. But always remember the source, always.

We are so influenced by what other people think, and so confused by our own gut instinct, we don’t trust ourselves.

Chances are if you believe someone to be a good person, even waaaayyyy deep down, so does someone else, and chances are, they ARE a good person. But good gossip doesn’t get spread as far as the fertilizer does.

Just a thought to keep in mind…

The Blame Game

Howdy all,

Been a busy little camper this past week or so...so much to blog, so little time...

So an update on the 30 days of Drama series over at Baggage Reclaim...doing some guest posting as you may or may not know.

The latest one I rant about is blame and how it causes/effects relationships especially in the area of self perpetuated drama. Go check it out! 

(and check out the rest of the amazing posts there, great discussions going on!)

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a few things since reading the book

"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (ya, I know, I may be the last person in the world to read it, I usually wait till the feeding frenzy fad stops then get go for it).

Now, first off, I did enjoy the book. A lot.

At some points it really resonated with me. I have been through pretty much everything she has. So, reading her reactions to said issues really affected me in a way I can't explain.

I too have sat on that bathroom floor crying and wondering 'wtf? why?'....

That being said, I have to say that the ending didn't help me in the way the rest of the book did.

Yes, it  is the truth and her real story, but for me it left me wondering about the real way it turns out for the majority of us.

Do we all wish for that light at the end of the tunnel? (damn effin' straight)

Do we all hope that all of our struggles and pain pay off in the end? (oh hell ya)

Is the only thing that keeps us going the thought that one day, someday, we too can be happy, content, and find love? (more than anything)

But plain old fact of the matter is, there is sometimes NO payoff.

NO reward.

And in our reward based society, where we are told 'Work hard, keep your chin up, and everything will fall into place', what happens when it doesn't?

What happens when you do go through the philosophical drama, the identity crisis, the depression, the failed relationships, the hard hard times and there is nothing but status quo at the end?

Well, you end up feeling like you have done something wrong.

That you have plain and simply fucked it all right up.

We, in North America (and indeed most of the Capitalist world) co-opt the theory of Karma.

We take it to mean that if you DO work hard, DO struggle, DO sacrifice, DO comprimise, you will be paid off in the reward of contentment, happiness and the satisfaction of a 'job well done'.

This applies to our personal growth as well, you put in the work, you reap the rewards.

This isn't the true definition of Karma, which takes lifetimes to 'pay off', not just one lifetime of the proper investment portfolio, charity work, nice house, kids, nice car and neighbourhood bbq's. It starts early, in school, we do well - we get a star! OOHHH! Or maybe even applause! I want applause! Where's my damn applause!!!

Is it really that simple? Or should I say clear cut, because most people, dare I say the majority of people, never reach the ultimate goal of contentment.

We are always striving for that inner peace, and for most of us, it never comes.

To those of you that have reached that goal, BRAVA!, I salute you.

But really, how many? Are we talking 15% of the population? Doubtful. 10%? Maybe, tops.

So, I am no math whiz, but that means a whopping 90% of us are still searching for the Holy Grail of Happy.

We were told we would get a reward, now where the hell is it?

Well then we must be doing something wrong cause damn this is taking a long time!

We are doing something wrong.

We are EXPECTING that reward.

We feel it is DUE to us somehow.

'I've played by the rules' you say 'Why isn't it getting easier?' you wonder.

There is no reward kids.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice to be happy, you shouldn't have to toil and watch your life go into the perfect RRSP to find contentment.

Life is one big gold star.

We get to be here. We, unlike the rest of the various species that share our earth, get to enjoy the ride with some of the best, most enjoyable distractions ever created.

And why do we have these distractions?

Because somewhere, deep in the work-weary recesses of our minds, we know this.

We know it is the ride of our lifetime that is the pay off.

So, go get your applause.

Buy and consume, people and things.

But at the end of the day, we do all go out the way we came in - equal and starkers without teeth.

So, stop watching other peoples lives on tv and read a bloody book, travel, laugh, eat KD out of the pot like a 10 yr old, do ridiculous, silly things that people think you're nuts to do.

Live YOUR life. No apologies, no applause, no gold stars.

Just enjoy.

xo

Cheekie

Control Issues

There are two different types of control freaks, especially when it comes to personal relationships.

The first is the type that needs to control everything in order to keep from losing it. They must have everything in front of them, know it, know where it is, push it pull it touch it feel it smell it hover over it and watch it, just in case it tries to go away. If it tries to go away, it pulls it closer so it can’t leave as easily, if at all.

The second is the type that controls everything to the extent that it pushes everything to a safe arms distance away. If they have it too close, they might lose it and only have themselves to blame, so it is easier to control things to such and extent that they never let anything come too close. Close equals pain. The further something is, the easier it is to walk away if it starts to hurt too much. They can’t handle the blame or accountability, it hurts too much to try and fail.

Both are insecure, both are afraid of losing things. But the first is afraid of losing everything and the second is afraid of having everything.

The first is women in most cases the second is men.

Men have to appear to never feel it, never get too close to it, never really know it.

Women must have control over it, so it doesn’t have control over them, so that they can be sure that no one will abandon them,

Actually in both cases, they are afraid of being abandoned. 

Left, brokenhearted and not had any control over it.

But that is what great relationships are all about, neither needing to have control, because you know that it is only when you are afraid of something in the relationship or yourself that you must have control over it. 

The fear of being abandoned is firmly ingrained in a lot of us.

I won’t get into the psychology of it; I am definitely NOT qualified for that.

But suffice to say, I believe that we are all so terrified of so many things these days.

Mostly ourselves. We distrust our own feelings and judgment to the point that we can never be too sure. Constantly testing, constantly attempting to control our situations.

This fear can manifest in a million different ways, but in relationships it causes a lot of confusion and pain. People are misunderstood, women considered 'nags' and 'needy' and men appear to be 'distant' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

This is all based in fear. All based in insecurity. 

So when do you know you have to cut bait? When does this fear get to the point that there is no possibility of a healthy relationship that can exist from this current manifestation?

If you both decide to stick with it, work out your problems, first thing that has to happen is with you, alone.

You have to figure out what it is that you are afraid of, what makes you feel insecure and so terrified of abandonment.

Then and only then, you can come back together to discuss it, honestly and openly.

Hell write it all down if you have to. Let him read it.

But be present. 

Unfortunately these days, most people read the above and say 'pfffft, forget that, why would I want to do that, it isn't worth it'. Fine, then bail, but do it together and be grown ups about it. Have respect for each other most importantly. Don't just disappear in the night leaving unanswered questions and 'what if's'.

Look at it this way, even if you don't find the answers to the issues in this relationship doing this 'homework' on yourself can only lead to good for your next relationship.

You will know your triggers, your touchy points, your insecurities.

And most importantly you can learn to make peace with all of your nasty little skeletons and give up a bit of that grip of control that you need.

Case in point. Let's say you are seeing this guy, it's all good, you are having fun, dating each other exclusively (to the point that you get invited to things as a couple).

Suddenly, he says he is going to stay in one night, or something similar (buddies, poker, etc). 

Be honest, what is the first thing that happens in your psyche? 

Big old alarm bells right? You panic, you blurt out:

'Why?'

'What's wrong?'

'But, but, I wanted to see you tonight' (you whine)

'Fine. Whatever. Talk to you later'. click. (passive aggressive's actually have the most control issues, btw)

What's wrong with this? The questions? No, cause sometimes it's good to ask them. But is it warranted? This feeling of anxiety and panic?

You have lost control right? That is all that reaction is. That anger, that f.i.n.e. word.

So what do you do. Try next time this happens to just chilllllllll.

Say this instead. Take a big big deep mental breath first...

'Really, ok, well I WAS looking forward to seeing you tonight, but that's cool. I'm still going to go, but I will talk to you tomorrow'. Don't pretend to be 'fine'. Don't get all worked up either though. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Can you really change anything anyway? Sure, whining works, but do you really want him there if he doesn't want to be? Think about any time this has happened. You ended up arguing or having a lousy time right?

So, give him his space (and vice versa if situations are reversed here).

You can't control another person. Especially not their feelings.

So stop trying. Control your own reactions and thought processes.

Only then will you make peace with your own judgments, and learn to trust yourself again. With or without him.

2007 in review, or "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish"

Hello my Cheekie friends...

Wow that sounded awfully 'fireside chat' of me. Well, this time of year I have a tendancy to get a little nostalgic and verbose. Moreso than usual.

As some of you know, 2007 was not the best year in Cheekieland. In fact, save a few very very shining bright spots, it sucked large hairy scrotums. Yes, I said scrotums.

So, I find myself sitting here during the last full 24 hours of 2007 wondering what is in store for the next year.

I hate NYE by the way, it is always such an emotional night for me. I gave up going to big, over the top parties years ago as it always ended in disappointment. But still, no matter what, I get very  emotional on the evening of. 

I am sure I am not alone. There are a lot of bad memories for all of us on this night. Most very personal occurrences, but I think we have all had some kind of life-altering thing happen to us on the eve of the new year.

For me (without going into too much detail) it was the evening a few years back that I realized that no matter how much I loved someone, they could still hurt me in an absolutely horrible way. That no matter what they said, it is what they do to you that counts. Actions being louder than words and all that.

It literally was the night that all of my hopes and naivete regarding relationships died.

I haven't even kissed someone at midnight in almost 5 years. 

I was hoping to exorcise these demons this year, but some things beyond my control have held that off again for me.

So, I am left to try to exorcise them myself, drink my own cup of kindness and forget my old acquaintances...

I think the hardest part about the New Year, and especially NYE is hope.

Those of us who have a hard time in general holding on to hope find that there is no 'lightning bolt' of it that comes at midnight. The clock changes, and we don't. Our circumstances don't, our lives don't. 

The only thing that we can wish for is that the people surrounding us help us hope, help us hold on for just one more year. Teach us that love exists, that someone, somewhere is thinking of us at the exact moment we are thinking of them. 

I don't make resolutions. I don't believe in them.

However, if I were to make a New Year's wish it would be for all of us to gain back that tiny grain of hope. A smidge of naivete, a drop of blind faith.

I make that wish for you my friends, and for myself.

Here's to blind faith, lets hope we aren't crossing the street in front of a tram when it comes....

xxoo

Cheekie 

Bastards into Perfect Partners....

I read this post by NML of the most excellent baggage-reclaim site


and the whole darn thing has me very perplexed.
why?
because it is so true, and it affects us, as women, often.
very very very very often.
it jabs right down into our very 'essence'.
we question ourselves for our man's lack of ability to commit to us, and then commit to someone else. it makes us wonder about our ability to nurture. the very thing we are told we are made to do. is their new love better at it all?

are they a better lover/cook/girlfriend
are they more understanding/patient/sexy
do his parents like HER better? his friends? colleagues?

what was so wrong with us when we gave them everything?

nothing. right?
absolutely fucking nothing.

do I know why these guys drop us claiming inability to commit only to pick up and hook up with someone else shortly thereafter? fuck no. wish I did...

I am pretty sure that it has happened to most of you out there (male and female, far be it from me to discriminate).
does or did it make you feel inferior or damaged in any way shape or form?
did it make you question your abilities to have and keep a partner?
especially when someone obviously so deficient in 'commitment' goes on to have exactly what you wanted with them, but with someone else. it hurts. a lot.

In case you haven't noticed, either I pick the wrong guys, or they pick me. that is up for debate. (later later...)
After reading another one of NML's posts about that very subject regarding our (the royal female 'we') projecting OUR unavailability.

seriously. are our fears of commitment and failing causing us to pick the wrong guys?
are our shortcomings and inability to deal with them making us pick relationships that are going to mess us up more, and be able to blame the guy instead of just dealing with our own shit?
when will we take accountability for just being the dumbasses that we can be sometimes by choosing guys that we KNOW are bad for us.
yes yes, I know, he kisses like he means it, he fucks like he means it...he looooooovvveeees you. right.
if he loved you (or me) so much, then why is he with someone else right now???

no, the world isn't that black and white sometimes, but frankly, love can be.
and until we start raising the bar for ourselves, and realizing that mistakes get made(move the hell on)...and to just hope to hell that each failure means we are that much closer to finding the one.

if there is the one. oh shit, I just did it again didn't I...sorry sorry, I will stop being sooooo jaded.

of course there is the ONE. yippee!! I can't WAIT to find him!!! *hearts, hugs, cheesey emoticons*

ya, I just threw up a little in my mouth too...

another from the vault!

Hey kids...here is another posting from the recent past...thought it tied in with my last one a bit.
I would love to hear your thoughts/comments/complaints/whinging/anger about anything I write.
I do so love a good debate! teehee....
xo
cheekie

I think I might be looking for something that doesn't exist.
A fabrication of my imagination.

The "nice" bad boy.

You know, just a decent, nice, sweet, sexy guy. You know, that I can't keep my hands off of, and vice versa. Who has a job, but loves to go out and get silly occasionally?

Men, you do realize that your behaviour is what makes us bitter, right?
When it comes down to it, getting treated like crap gets to you after a while.
Then you wonder why so many women seem nutty, or bitter, or even both.
And I am not one of those girls who lets herself be treated like crap.

I am pretty darn honest and I will come right out and ask a guy what the deal is. However, it doesn't seem to matter, cause apparently honesty scares them too. Even though every single one of them claims to “hate games” and “lying”.
They all end up with the chicks who play the most games…wtf?

So, just so we women have this straight, men are afraid of the following:

• commitment
• honesty
• women over 30
• women with kids
• women who make their own money
• women who seem needy/not needy enough
• women with emotions
• women who are slighty confused/bitter/nutty....but harmless

Usually that bitterness is due to self protection, and if you dig a bit deeper guys, you will probably find an extremely sensitive, caring woman, who just doesn't know what the f*ck to do anymore.

Is there more? Do you guys have a brochure somewhere I can get my hands on?

Yes yes, I know you guys supposedly only think about one thing, and given any opportunity you are going to take it, chance it, see what happens. But for crying out loud, is there nothing more to you? If there is, it would be really nice to see it every once in a while.

Whatever happened to wooing? Whatever happened to actually holding hands and kissing and actually being nice to one another?
Everyone is such a player these days, including women, too much choice.
Like shopping in a catalogue or off a conveyor belt.
You don't even need to care about anyone anymore. You have your friends, you don't need more friends. You are out looking for the easy uncomplicated night, or nights. All these online dating services prove just that point. Have you ever checked them out??? It is worse than a bar.

At least in person you can get a "vibe", some kind of connection. You are more likely to be a bit more gentle with someone when you have to talk face to face....online or texting/email? You can do and say whatever you want.
It is almost like the other person isn't a human being at all, just a hot pic and nice abs/tits...or worse, in the case of texting, and you don't even need to answer them. Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I have my expectations set too high.
Since when, though, is a little bit of compassion, a little bit of decency setting the bar too high?

I am no prude, trust me, definitely not. And when the time is right in a relationship, I can be just as horny as the next guy...
if not more.
I just so much want to be treated nicely, and to treat someone else nicely that it gets so frustrating when all people are doing these days is going for the disposable. Well, I am not disposable. Nor will I ever be.

An intense, slightly bitter, definitely nutty - yet still a fun, caring, sexy, sensitive woman.
Definitely. So go easy.
My heart still breaks. Does yours? or have you all become so desensitized that you have convinced yourself it doesn’t matter anymore…