Friday, July 18, 2008

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

See, I have a problem.

I mean other than the obvious ones:

Smoking (ewww bad Cheekie)
Drinking (not as much as I'd like to)
Being a little nuts (but harmless)
Overreacting
Drama (actually I don't suffer from Drama, I'm just a carrier)
I freckle, never really tan
I feel 16, and act it often
I have a real 'thing' for seemingly 'bad' boys 

Yes, I know. But in my defense, they are never really horrible people. And never, ever physically violent (with me anyway). They just kinda run on the outside of normal. 
Either in look, attitude, thought...whatever, just aren't necessarily the nice, normal, stable guy that all my friends and family want to see me with. Not that I find nice guys boring at all, in fact, I totally dismiss the differences. I don't like the terms 'good boy' or 'bad boy'. 
It's all a relative thing. 
And frankly, I know some of the baddest assholes in town, and they are the sweetest most adorable guys you would ever meet. And you wouldn't even talk to them if you met them somewhere. I know it. You might even cross the street, in favour of the guy on the other side who looks like Ted Bundy. Point made and hopefully taken.

So when my friends and family question my judgement. And yes, this has happened more than a couple of times. It hurts.
When I hear or have heard that they will basically cut me off, or that I might lose friends because I have chosen to be around someone they don't like, or someone they perceive as a threat to me, no matter what their good intentions, it pretty much kills me. It diminishes my ability to make judgements for myself, and makes me feel untrustworthy. 

I should never, nor would I ever, make that choice.
Funniest part is that not ONE of these guys that I have dated has ever, nor would ever, make me make that kind of choice. In fact, if they knew that my friends or family had said these things it would hurt them too.

It isn't right to place ultimatums and conditions on friendship. Or family (for crapsake!).
How dare someone you love suddenly make it conditional to that extent?
As I said, a lot of people FEEL that they are doing the right thing.
They THINK they are protecting you.
But all they are doing is confusing you, and making you feel more and more alone.
More and more willing to accept less than you deserve the next time. For fear of reproach or judgement.

And what about if you decide to drop the guy and do as your friends or family request?
How's that for a kick to the old self esteem.
You trust your gut, you like someone 'unconventional' and believe you are doing what is best for you, and it makes you feel good.
Then you are told that you shouldn't trust your gut, you are wrong, it is bad, and if you continue it you won't have your friends/family to rely on.

That can crush a person.
No matter what your feelings are, no matter what your judgements are, they are YOURS.
You do not have a right to place your judgement or your values or your conditions on anyone else.

I would never, ever, treat someone that way, never have never will.
I would never ask a friend or threaten a friend with loss of my friendship in that manner.
Never.

If you have serious concerns about how a friend is being treated, definitely talk to them about it. But never threaten abandonment. 
That is a really dysfunctional thing to do, and just as emotionally abusive as any arsehole abuser.

Our friends and family are our anchors.
We may drift around in the wind, but they hold us steady.
Don't pull up the anchor on people.

They'll just sail away.
Garaunteed.


5 comments:

lisa q. said...

It's true girl. Family & friends are supposed to have your back. My girl G was in a horrible relationship for a year and a half. During that time, I was honest with her about her assclown. She knew how I felt and why, but I never ever abandoned her. I simply let her know I was there if she needed me to be. And when it ended, I was there to help pack up his crap and pick up the pieces. She tells me often that she appreciated my honesty and always knew that she could count on me. It's what real friends do. Period!

Anonymous said...

The approval thing gets me, too. I mean, if a guy has serious substance abuse problems, financial problems/gambling addiction, or is physically abusive, warn away. But someone who is just different? You don't have to hang out with the person you don't like, but there's no need to abandon your friend.

I never understood how strange the "approval" thing was until I found the BF...one of my friends (who is very much stuck in undergrad mentality) met him and said, "I approve," and I was thinking..."why would I care if you approve? He makes me happy." Of course she liked him so there was no need to make an issue of it, but I did find it just as strange as you say.

auntiegwen said...

If we all liked the same thing in a man, where would that get us ?

I tend towards the quirky side, my friends have thought my choices of men completely mental, but they've been my choices.

cheekie said...

damn straight ladies. grown ups need to and should make their own decisions. besides, if you tell a good friend or family member that what you are doing or who you are with feels good, and right, well shouldn't that be enough to shut them up?

and auntiegwen, I love me the quirky boys too. hell, what IS normal anyway????


p.s. sidenote, but I have a Mac at home and here at work I am on a PC...the font on my main blog looks like poo in pcworld...stupid pc's. lol....

ME said...

Were we separated at birth? I also smoke, drink, am a little nuts, overreact, feel 16, drama follows me around and I love me some bad boys! Now let me say this: Love and friendship is UNCONDITIONAL. Anyone who places conditions on you is not your friend and is simply not worthy of your beautifulness. Beyond that who's place is it to judge someone based on what they look like? Some of the greatest people I've known were individuals most people wouldn't glance twice at or would be afraid to talk to. It takes all kinds to make this world go around and we are all more alike than we are different.