Bastards into Perfect Partners....

I read this post by NML of the most excellent baggage-reclaim site


and the whole darn thing has me very perplexed.
why?
because it is so true, and it affects us, as women, often.
very very very very often.
it jabs right down into our very 'essence'.
we question ourselves for our man's lack of ability to commit to us, and then commit to someone else. it makes us wonder about our ability to nurture. the very thing we are told we are made to do. is their new love better at it all?

are they a better lover/cook/girlfriend
are they more understanding/patient/sexy
do his parents like HER better? his friends? colleagues?

what was so wrong with us when we gave them everything?

nothing. right?
absolutely fucking nothing.

do I know why these guys drop us claiming inability to commit only to pick up and hook up with someone else shortly thereafter? fuck no. wish I did...

I am pretty sure that it has happened to most of you out there (male and female, far be it from me to discriminate).
does or did it make you feel inferior or damaged in any way shape or form?
did it make you question your abilities to have and keep a partner?
especially when someone obviously so deficient in 'commitment' goes on to have exactly what you wanted with them, but with someone else. it hurts. a lot.

In case you haven't noticed, either I pick the wrong guys, or they pick me. that is up for debate. (later later...)
After reading another one of NML's posts about that very subject regarding our (the royal female 'we') projecting OUR unavailability.

seriously. are our fears of commitment and failing causing us to pick the wrong guys?
are our shortcomings and inability to deal with them making us pick relationships that are going to mess us up more, and be able to blame the guy instead of just dealing with our own shit?
when will we take accountability for just being the dumbasses that we can be sometimes by choosing guys that we KNOW are bad for us.
yes yes, I know, he kisses like he means it, he fucks like he means it...he looooooovvveeees you. right.
if he loved you (or me) so much, then why is he with someone else right now???

no, the world isn't that black and white sometimes, but frankly, love can be.
and until we start raising the bar for ourselves, and realizing that mistakes get made(move the hell on)...and to just hope to hell that each failure means we are that much closer to finding the one.

if there is the one. oh shit, I just did it again didn't I...sorry sorry, I will stop being sooooo jaded.

of course there is the ONE. yippee!! I can't WAIT to find him!!! *hearts, hugs, cheesey emoticons*

ya, I just threw up a little in my mouth too...

Is time really truly on my side????

How do you know when it’s over? Really over?
When you have mentally moved on.
How do you even know when you are mentally ready to move on?
There are many theories, and even more methods. Some work, some don’t. Basically they are all intended to just waste time, pass the clock. That seems to be the only prevalent message when advice is given - “time”.

But how much time? There is one common formula that states that for every year you were together, you need 6 months per to get over it.
So therefore, a 5 yr relationship will take approx. 2.5 years to fully get over.

In theory.

Going by this theory then, you will not be fully ready to move on with your life for that length of time. Take my situation for example. My ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 5 yrs (yes, that was a very thinly veiled example above). We have been apart for a year now. So going with this formula, I am less than half way through the “move on thing”. How depressing. How utterly, totally, completely gut wrenching to think that I still have a year and a half of not being ready ahead of me.

My other example? My now-defunct-marriage. We were together for almost 12yrs all told. So by this formula, it would take 6 yrs to get over that. 6 YEARS!
Now, suffice to say I did not need that length of time. My god, a girl needs a life!

They were two very, very different situations and very, very, very different men.

My ex-husband and I were friends, are friends, and come to think of it, should have always been just friends.
It is quite easy when you are young to confuse the two.
So there was essentially no drama, no crazy fights and no real crazy passion.
No offense to him of course, he is a super nice guy, very stable, and a great father.
Just not for me as a husband or life partner. It didn’t take me long to mentally move on from that. 6 months instead of the 6 years actually.

Now, my ex boyfriend and I had almost the complete opposite of that. Our relationship was very emotional (damn cancer-scorpio thing). very passionate and we fought. A lot. There was always this hint of insecurity running through it. Kind of like a movie “Bullshit Runs Through It”.

Dramarama.
But I did love him, intensely. Yes, that’s the word, intense. He was intense, I was intense. Not that I am going to get into any super-personal issues here, but suffice to say, that passion and intensity had a very, very , VERY good side, and a VERY horrible side.

The horrible side became too much. We broke up in true drama style. Tears, yelling, broken hearts all over the place. A big mess. Nothing was tied up with a neat little bow. No closure.

Therefore, it is harder to move on from. Harder to come to grips with the why’s and if only’s. And very hard to forget the passion and love which did exist. It really did, but it wasn’t enough. So that makes it much more of some Shakespearean tale than it probably is due. Star crossed and doomed…ahhhhh how romantic. BS.

I still find myself occasionally missing him. I hear his name, or see his name come up on my chat every once in awhile, and yes, my heart skips a few million beats, my palms sweat and I get butterflies in many places.
We have mutual friends, and so far have avoided seeing each other and being at the same parties together. But how long will that last? I know I will see him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. I also realize that one day soon, he will find someone else, or I will, and we will run into them. That makes me want to projectile vomit. Seriously, even as I type this I feel nauseous.
Just the mere thought. Exorcist moment for sure.

So I guess that being said, no, I am not over it yet. Not 100%. I don’t want to be with him, nor do I pine for him, but I am not “ready” yet. I wish I were, cause I have met some really great guys, and due to this state of mine, it hasn’t worked out. Usually because I am a neurotic basket case and very intimidated by relationships and especially men right now.
So ya, 1 year is probably about half way there.

Again, in theory.

So, I ask you. How does one move on? How does one know they are ready to move on.
Dating? Casual Sex? Partying? Therapy? Ice Cream?
These are all methods that most of us have used. Sometimes concurrently!
Ahem, not me of course. Nope. No way, not ever. My um, friends, ya that’s it , friends have told me of these methods…

None seem to be perfect, none are a magic bullet.
So I guess it is back to “time” and maybe just a little patience with oneself.
It is called a broken heart for a reason, so be gentle with yourself, don’t force it.
If you had a broken leg, you would put on the cast and use crutches, right?
Have fun, do whatever you need to do to pass that evil “time”.

Just try to remember, that even though it sounds very trite (trust me, I am anti-platitude) that what doesn’t kill us, does make us stronger, or at least a little more jaded, and a whole helluva lot smarter – I hope. God how I hope.


Take care of you, and the rest will take care of itself.
(and I don’t mean take bubble baths with Rico the pool boy and ignore the kids…they aren’t so good at the taking care of themselves thing…)