The Rules of the Game...are there any?

OK, so this is a subject that has come up amongst me and my friends, and others, more than once.
Dating and the question of 'exclusivity'...

Now, when you are casually dating, is it okay to be dating others?
How many? How often?
Sex or no sex?
Should they all know you are 'playing the field'?
And, conversely, if you are casually dating, but only one person at
at time, do you 'spoil the game' and tell them?
What if they are dating others, and you aren't, how do you handle that?
Or, if you are dating others and they aren't.
Does that make you subconsciously think that they are more 'serious' than you?

See, I have always been a one on one person.
Even when casually dating.
I am just not built for the playing the field. It isn't me at all.
This doesn't necessarily mean I am getting way too serious about
one person, although due to the fact that I am a single mom my time is
very limited so therefore my spare time does end up being spent
with whomever I am dating...

This can indeed come off as more serious than it is, but if I am enjoying
one person's company, and vice versa, and I don't want to play around,
wtf is wrong with that?

Now, dating in and of itself is a whole realm of insecurities and misunderstanding and
sometimes bullshit.
And I am allergic to bullshit.
Although I seem to create enough of it...lol.

So, what happens too when you BOTH lead the other to think that it is an
exclusive thing? Either by outwardly saying so, or by your actions (ie. spending most of your free time together).
Does this have a tendency to come off as 'too fast' and scare off one or the other?

I am really curious.
What is the general consensus here???

Do men want to think that the woman they are dating is only dating them, but feel
that they have the freedom to date whomever they like?
That is the impression I get, and I do know that statement goes both ways.
Some women want to think their guy is exclusive, but want to be able to play.

Or is it a game?
You know, give the impression that they are soooo in demand that they are dating a lot of people, or are at least wanting that option should it arise.

I feel it is an individuals right and option to do what they want.
However, when one person doesn't want to share, and tells the other this
and tells the other that they aren't fooling around, even in a casual scenario,
when is it ok to suddenly decide that you DO want the freedom to date around?
Is it ok? Can you change the rules of the game?

Hmmmmmm....
Curious, cause this isn't high school, adult dating is very different.
Maybe I am naive, maybe I am too intense, maybe I am just not aware of the game.

Thoughts??? Cause I would love to hear them!

xoxo

The Blame Game

Howdy all,

Been a busy little camper this past week or so...so much to blog, so little time...

So an update on the 30 days of Drama series over at Baggage Reclaim...doing some guest posting as you may or may not know.

The latest one I rant about is blame and how it causes/effects relationships especially in the area of self perpetuated drama. Go check it out! 

(and check out the rest of the amazing posts there, great discussions going on!)

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a few things since reading the book

"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (ya, I know, I may be the last person in the world to read it, I usually wait till the feeding frenzy fad stops then get go for it).

Now, first off, I did enjoy the book. A lot.

At some points it really resonated with me. I have been through pretty much everything she has. So, reading her reactions to said issues really affected me in a way I can't explain.

I too have sat on that bathroom floor crying and wondering 'wtf? why?'....

That being said, I have to say that the ending didn't help me in the way the rest of the book did.

Yes, it  is the truth and her real story, but for me it left me wondering about the real way it turns out for the majority of us.

Do we all wish for that light at the end of the tunnel? (damn effin' straight)

Do we all hope that all of our struggles and pain pay off in the end? (oh hell ya)

Is the only thing that keeps us going the thought that one day, someday, we too can be happy, content, and find love? (more than anything)

But plain old fact of the matter is, there is sometimes NO payoff.

NO reward.

And in our reward based society, where we are told 'Work hard, keep your chin up, and everything will fall into place', what happens when it doesn't?

What happens when you do go through the philosophical drama, the identity crisis, the depression, the failed relationships, the hard hard times and there is nothing but status quo at the end?

Well, you end up feeling like you have done something wrong.

That you have plain and simply fucked it all right up.

We, in North America (and indeed most of the Capitalist world) co-opt the theory of Karma.

We take it to mean that if you DO work hard, DO struggle, DO sacrifice, DO comprimise, you will be paid off in the reward of contentment, happiness and the satisfaction of a 'job well done'.

This applies to our personal growth as well, you put in the work, you reap the rewards.

This isn't the true definition of Karma, which takes lifetimes to 'pay off', not just one lifetime of the proper investment portfolio, charity work, nice house, kids, nice car and neighbourhood bbq's. It starts early, in school, we do well - we get a star! OOHHH! Or maybe even applause! I want applause! Where's my damn applause!!!

Is it really that simple? Or should I say clear cut, because most people, dare I say the majority of people, never reach the ultimate goal of contentment.

We are always striving for that inner peace, and for most of us, it never comes.

To those of you that have reached that goal, BRAVA!, I salute you.

But really, how many? Are we talking 15% of the population? Doubtful. 10%? Maybe, tops.

So, I am no math whiz, but that means a whopping 90% of us are still searching for the Holy Grail of Happy.

We were told we would get a reward, now where the hell is it?

Well then we must be doing something wrong cause damn this is taking a long time!

We are doing something wrong.

We are EXPECTING that reward.

We feel it is DUE to us somehow.

'I've played by the rules' you say 'Why isn't it getting easier?' you wonder.

There is no reward kids.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice to be happy, you shouldn't have to toil and watch your life go into the perfect RRSP to find contentment.

Life is one big gold star.

We get to be here. We, unlike the rest of the various species that share our earth, get to enjoy the ride with some of the best, most enjoyable distractions ever created.

And why do we have these distractions?

Because somewhere, deep in the work-weary recesses of our minds, we know this.

We know it is the ride of our lifetime that is the pay off.

So, go get your applause.

Buy and consume, people and things.

But at the end of the day, we do all go out the way we came in - equal and starkers without teeth.

So, stop watching other peoples lives on tv and read a bloody book, travel, laugh, eat KD out of the pot like a 10 yr old, do ridiculous, silly things that people think you're nuts to do.

Live YOUR life. No apologies, no applause, no gold stars.

Just enjoy.

xo

Cheekie

Bastards into Perfect Partners....

I read this post by NML of the most excellent baggage-reclaim site


and the whole darn thing has me very perplexed.
why?
because it is so true, and it affects us, as women, often.
very very very very often.
it jabs right down into our very 'essence'.
we question ourselves for our man's lack of ability to commit to us, and then commit to someone else. it makes us wonder about our ability to nurture. the very thing we are told we are made to do. is their new love better at it all?

are they a better lover/cook/girlfriend
are they more understanding/patient/sexy
do his parents like HER better? his friends? colleagues?

what was so wrong with us when we gave them everything?

nothing. right?
absolutely fucking nothing.

do I know why these guys drop us claiming inability to commit only to pick up and hook up with someone else shortly thereafter? fuck no. wish I did...

I am pretty sure that it has happened to most of you out there (male and female, far be it from me to discriminate).
does or did it make you feel inferior or damaged in any way shape or form?
did it make you question your abilities to have and keep a partner?
especially when someone obviously so deficient in 'commitment' goes on to have exactly what you wanted with them, but with someone else. it hurts. a lot.

In case you haven't noticed, either I pick the wrong guys, or they pick me. that is up for debate. (later later...)
After reading another one of NML's posts about that very subject regarding our (the royal female 'we') projecting OUR unavailability.

seriously. are our fears of commitment and failing causing us to pick the wrong guys?
are our shortcomings and inability to deal with them making us pick relationships that are going to mess us up more, and be able to blame the guy instead of just dealing with our own shit?
when will we take accountability for just being the dumbasses that we can be sometimes by choosing guys that we KNOW are bad for us.
yes yes, I know, he kisses like he means it, he fucks like he means it...he looooooovvveeees you. right.
if he loved you (or me) so much, then why is he with someone else right now???

no, the world isn't that black and white sometimes, but frankly, love can be.
and until we start raising the bar for ourselves, and realizing that mistakes get made(move the hell on)...and to just hope to hell that each failure means we are that much closer to finding the one.

if there is the one. oh shit, I just did it again didn't I...sorry sorry, I will stop being sooooo jaded.

of course there is the ONE. yippee!! I can't WAIT to find him!!! *hearts, hugs, cheesey emoticons*

ya, I just threw up a little in my mouth too...

another from the vault!

Hey kids...here is another posting from the recent past...thought it tied in with my last one a bit.
I would love to hear your thoughts/comments/complaints/whinging/anger about anything I write.
I do so love a good debate! teehee....
xo
cheekie

I think I might be looking for something that doesn't exist.
A fabrication of my imagination.

The "nice" bad boy.

You know, just a decent, nice, sweet, sexy guy. You know, that I can't keep my hands off of, and vice versa. Who has a job, but loves to go out and get silly occasionally?

Men, you do realize that your behaviour is what makes us bitter, right?
When it comes down to it, getting treated like crap gets to you after a while.
Then you wonder why so many women seem nutty, or bitter, or even both.
And I am not one of those girls who lets herself be treated like crap.

I am pretty darn honest and I will come right out and ask a guy what the deal is. However, it doesn't seem to matter, cause apparently honesty scares them too. Even though every single one of them claims to “hate games” and “lying”.
They all end up with the chicks who play the most games…wtf?

So, just so we women have this straight, men are afraid of the following:

• commitment
• honesty
• women over 30
• women with kids
• women who make their own money
• women who seem needy/not needy enough
• women with emotions
• women who are slighty confused/bitter/nutty....but harmless

Usually that bitterness is due to self protection, and if you dig a bit deeper guys, you will probably find an extremely sensitive, caring woman, who just doesn't know what the f*ck to do anymore.

Is there more? Do you guys have a brochure somewhere I can get my hands on?

Yes yes, I know you guys supposedly only think about one thing, and given any opportunity you are going to take it, chance it, see what happens. But for crying out loud, is there nothing more to you? If there is, it would be really nice to see it every once in a while.

Whatever happened to wooing? Whatever happened to actually holding hands and kissing and actually being nice to one another?
Everyone is such a player these days, including women, too much choice.
Like shopping in a catalogue or off a conveyor belt.
You don't even need to care about anyone anymore. You have your friends, you don't need more friends. You are out looking for the easy uncomplicated night, or nights. All these online dating services prove just that point. Have you ever checked them out??? It is worse than a bar.

At least in person you can get a "vibe", some kind of connection. You are more likely to be a bit more gentle with someone when you have to talk face to face....online or texting/email? You can do and say whatever you want.
It is almost like the other person isn't a human being at all, just a hot pic and nice abs/tits...or worse, in the case of texting, and you don't even need to answer them. Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I have my expectations set too high.
Since when, though, is a little bit of compassion, a little bit of decency setting the bar too high?

I am no prude, trust me, definitely not. And when the time is right in a relationship, I can be just as horny as the next guy...
if not more.
I just so much want to be treated nicely, and to treat someone else nicely that it gets so frustrating when all people are doing these days is going for the disposable. Well, I am not disposable. Nor will I ever be.

An intense, slightly bitter, definitely nutty - yet still a fun, caring, sexy, sensitive woman.
Definitely. So go easy.
My heart still breaks. Does yours? or have you all become so desensitized that you have convinced yourself it doesn’t matter anymore…

Is time really truly on my side????

How do you know when it’s over? Really over?
When you have mentally moved on.
How do you even know when you are mentally ready to move on?
There are many theories, and even more methods. Some work, some don’t. Basically they are all intended to just waste time, pass the clock. That seems to be the only prevalent message when advice is given - “time”.

But how much time? There is one common formula that states that for every year you were together, you need 6 months per to get over it.
So therefore, a 5 yr relationship will take approx. 2.5 years to fully get over.

In theory.

Going by this theory then, you will not be fully ready to move on with your life for that length of time. Take my situation for example. My ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 5 yrs (yes, that was a very thinly veiled example above). We have been apart for a year now. So going with this formula, I am less than half way through the “move on thing”. How depressing. How utterly, totally, completely gut wrenching to think that I still have a year and a half of not being ready ahead of me.

My other example? My now-defunct-marriage. We were together for almost 12yrs all told. So by this formula, it would take 6 yrs to get over that. 6 YEARS!
Now, suffice to say I did not need that length of time. My god, a girl needs a life!

They were two very, very different situations and very, very, very different men.

My ex-husband and I were friends, are friends, and come to think of it, should have always been just friends.
It is quite easy when you are young to confuse the two.
So there was essentially no drama, no crazy fights and no real crazy passion.
No offense to him of course, he is a super nice guy, very stable, and a great father.
Just not for me as a husband or life partner. It didn’t take me long to mentally move on from that. 6 months instead of the 6 years actually.

Now, my ex boyfriend and I had almost the complete opposite of that. Our relationship was very emotional (damn cancer-scorpio thing). very passionate and we fought. A lot. There was always this hint of insecurity running through it. Kind of like a movie “Bullshit Runs Through It”.

Dramarama.
But I did love him, intensely. Yes, that’s the word, intense. He was intense, I was intense. Not that I am going to get into any super-personal issues here, but suffice to say, that passion and intensity had a very, very , VERY good side, and a VERY horrible side.

The horrible side became too much. We broke up in true drama style. Tears, yelling, broken hearts all over the place. A big mess. Nothing was tied up with a neat little bow. No closure.

Therefore, it is harder to move on from. Harder to come to grips with the why’s and if only’s. And very hard to forget the passion and love which did exist. It really did, but it wasn’t enough. So that makes it much more of some Shakespearean tale than it probably is due. Star crossed and doomed…ahhhhh how romantic. BS.

I still find myself occasionally missing him. I hear his name, or see his name come up on my chat every once in awhile, and yes, my heart skips a few million beats, my palms sweat and I get butterflies in many places.
We have mutual friends, and so far have avoided seeing each other and being at the same parties together. But how long will that last? I know I will see him, the thought makes me feel physically ill. I also realize that one day soon, he will find someone else, or I will, and we will run into them. That makes me want to projectile vomit. Seriously, even as I type this I feel nauseous.
Just the mere thought. Exorcist moment for sure.

So I guess that being said, no, I am not over it yet. Not 100%. I don’t want to be with him, nor do I pine for him, but I am not “ready” yet. I wish I were, cause I have met some really great guys, and due to this state of mine, it hasn’t worked out. Usually because I am a neurotic basket case and very intimidated by relationships and especially men right now.
So ya, 1 year is probably about half way there.

Again, in theory.

So, I ask you. How does one move on? How does one know they are ready to move on.
Dating? Casual Sex? Partying? Therapy? Ice Cream?
These are all methods that most of us have used. Sometimes concurrently!
Ahem, not me of course. Nope. No way, not ever. My um, friends, ya that’s it , friends have told me of these methods…

None seem to be perfect, none are a magic bullet.
So I guess it is back to “time” and maybe just a little patience with oneself.
It is called a broken heart for a reason, so be gentle with yourself, don’t force it.
If you had a broken leg, you would put on the cast and use crutches, right?
Have fun, do whatever you need to do to pass that evil “time”.

Just try to remember, that even though it sounds very trite (trust me, I am anti-platitude) that what doesn’t kill us, does make us stronger, or at least a little more jaded, and a whole helluva lot smarter – I hope. God how I hope.


Take care of you, and the rest will take care of itself.
(and I don’t mean take bubble baths with Rico the pool boy and ignore the kids…they aren’t so good at the taking care of themselves thing…)