keep your expectations low, but be prepared to bring your hopes down to meet them....cheekie 2008

Here I am.
Here I be.
I am me.

A little Cheekie Suess for you there.

Having a rather interesting/difficult/fun/whirlwind of a time right now.

I guess the major thing right now for me is work. Busy as a two dollar hooker.
That's two dollar's American, the Canuck Buck ain't worth crap right now...


The other, as usual, my constant quest to understand men.
I. Give. Up.

What is it about men, either they think themselves way too good for you, or the opposite.
Which is worse?
Why do some men never feel they can measure up, give you what you need.
Is it your expectations being projected, or their own?

I think it is their own.
If you think about the men who say 'I am not good enough for you' or 'I can't give you what you need'...well, the majority have some pretty high expectations of a relationship.
Their parents are/were together a long time.
They grew up in a loving stable home. (generalizing from some personal experiences of late...this certainly isn't the norm)

They want nothing less.
Yet.
They do everything in their power to prove how incapable they are of this.
They drink too much, don't call, sleep with anything....
Do they feel that there is no way to measure up to the example they had?
Do they feel unworthy???

I don't get it. I don't understand. Help me.

No one in their right mind thinks they are perfect at relationships.
No ONE.
No one feels that they are 'good enough' for the absolute best in life.
And don't tell me you do, deep deep down.
Yes, you may feel you 'deserve' happiness, that you are worthy of it.
But honestly, do you really feel that the world owes you the best???

God I hope not.

All I want is someone to laugh with, love with, share with.
That's it.
I don't need a house in the suburbs.
I don't need a man that never drinks/smokes/stays out watching the game with his buddies.

I want to give and receive love and respect.

Now.

Is that too much to ask???
Nope. And darlin' you deserve it too.
And I hope you find it, cause one day, I will.

With or without you.
xoxo
Cheekie

Lessons...

More thinking, ya, as if that was possible, about why I tend to get myself so riled up.

So upset, so spun, just sooooo...well, distrusting, of myself and perhaps others.

I think this latest thing to happen in my life is a prime example.

I am repeating the same lessons until I actually learn something from it.

Instant Karma thing...

Fact of the matter is, no matter what negative things I read, hear or see and no matter what positive things I read, hear or see, well, I am the only one who has to live with me. 

And my decisions, and my reactions.

There are many out there who would call me a fool (for many many reasons...lol). There are many who consider me tough (not quite sure why, but hey, it's what I am putting out there so my bad for making it so).

Basically there is an opinion to corroborate whatever line of thinking you choose. And whatever mood you are in.

The internet, Google, you can search ANYTHING.

Have a wart? OMG it might be cancer.

Have a bf who doesn't call? OMG he is fucking around.

Mother torments you? OMG you have to tell her off.

You understand my drift here?

But, your mood, your thoughts, your actions, are only yours.

We ALL have doubts occasionally.

WE ALL need people around us that we can go to for a good vent, or to remind us of why we chose the path we did.

But WE ALL need to just stop, and believe.

BELIEVE in yourself. Your gut. 

There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer.

There is only YOUR answer.

Make your decisions, based on your knowledge of right and wrong and just and fair.

Then live with them, embrace them, stick to them.

Integrity, loyality and trust are so so rare these days.

Everyone seems to want to be a cynic. They want to tell you you are fucking up. I am not sure why, why some people get this joy out of always assuming the worst of you. Of your decisions. But seriously, if you are the type of person who likes to rain on other people's parades, might I just say 'Shut the FUCK up'. 

It is hard enough these days to make a decision and stick to it, we are all so damn insecure, we really don't need friends making us feel more so. 

So try to shut out the negativity. 

Just because you are a pessimist it doesn't make it any more real than optimism. It's a 50/50.

Of course pessimists call themselves 'realists'...holy crap is that ever bullfuckingshit.

It's just as real that things could go well. 

They could go badly, of course, but telling someone that will pretty much make it so.

Manifest destiny and all.

So, be kind, be there, be nice.

BUT.

Keep your crap to yourself. 

I have enough of my own crap to deal with...tyvm.

Remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all, asshole.

(sorry for the potty mouth tonight, but I just felt like gettin' my curse on...)

xo

The Blame Game

Howdy all,

Been a busy little camper this past week or so...so much to blog, so little time...

So an update on the 30 days of Drama series over at Baggage Reclaim...doing some guest posting as you may or may not know.

The latest one I rant about is blame and how it causes/effects relationships especially in the area of self perpetuated drama. Go check it out! 

(and check out the rest of the amazing posts there, great discussions going on!)

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a few things since reading the book

"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (ya, I know, I may be the last person in the world to read it, I usually wait till the feeding frenzy fad stops then get go for it).

Now, first off, I did enjoy the book. A lot.

At some points it really resonated with me. I have been through pretty much everything she has. So, reading her reactions to said issues really affected me in a way I can't explain.

I too have sat on that bathroom floor crying and wondering 'wtf? why?'....

That being said, I have to say that the ending didn't help me in the way the rest of the book did.

Yes, it  is the truth and her real story, but for me it left me wondering about the real way it turns out for the majority of us.

Do we all wish for that light at the end of the tunnel? (damn effin' straight)

Do we all hope that all of our struggles and pain pay off in the end? (oh hell ya)

Is the only thing that keeps us going the thought that one day, someday, we too can be happy, content, and find love? (more than anything)

But plain old fact of the matter is, there is sometimes NO payoff.

NO reward.

And in our reward based society, where we are told 'Work hard, keep your chin up, and everything will fall into place', what happens when it doesn't?

What happens when you do go through the philosophical drama, the identity crisis, the depression, the failed relationships, the hard hard times and there is nothing but status quo at the end?

Well, you end up feeling like you have done something wrong.

That you have plain and simply fucked it all right up.

We, in North America (and indeed most of the Capitalist world) co-opt the theory of Karma.

We take it to mean that if you DO work hard, DO struggle, DO sacrifice, DO comprimise, you will be paid off in the reward of contentment, happiness and the satisfaction of a 'job well done'.

This applies to our personal growth as well, you put in the work, you reap the rewards.

This isn't the true definition of Karma, which takes lifetimes to 'pay off', not just one lifetime of the proper investment portfolio, charity work, nice house, kids, nice car and neighbourhood bbq's. It starts early, in school, we do well - we get a star! OOHHH! Or maybe even applause! I want applause! Where's my damn applause!!!

Is it really that simple? Or should I say clear cut, because most people, dare I say the majority of people, never reach the ultimate goal of contentment.

We are always striving for that inner peace, and for most of us, it never comes.

To those of you that have reached that goal, BRAVA!, I salute you.

But really, how many? Are we talking 15% of the population? Doubtful. 10%? Maybe, tops.

So, I am no math whiz, but that means a whopping 90% of us are still searching for the Holy Grail of Happy.

We were told we would get a reward, now where the hell is it?

Well then we must be doing something wrong cause damn this is taking a long time!

We are doing something wrong.

We are EXPECTING that reward.

We feel it is DUE to us somehow.

'I've played by the rules' you say 'Why isn't it getting easier?' you wonder.

There is no reward kids.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice to be happy, you shouldn't have to toil and watch your life go into the perfect RRSP to find contentment.

Life is one big gold star.

We get to be here. We, unlike the rest of the various species that share our earth, get to enjoy the ride with some of the best, most enjoyable distractions ever created.

And why do we have these distractions?

Because somewhere, deep in the work-weary recesses of our minds, we know this.

We know it is the ride of our lifetime that is the pay off.

So, go get your applause.

Buy and consume, people and things.

But at the end of the day, we do all go out the way we came in - equal and starkers without teeth.

So, stop watching other peoples lives on tv and read a bloody book, travel, laugh, eat KD out of the pot like a 10 yr old, do ridiculous, silly things that people think you're nuts to do.

Live YOUR life. No apologies, no applause, no gold stars.

Just enjoy.

xo

Cheekie