green and red eyed holiday themed monster

ah yes, jealousy.
ugly, insecure, pathetic, passionate, regretful jealousy.

you and i have been so called 'pals' for quite awhile now.
and frankly, i'm just not that into you, anymore.

oh sure, at first you were kinda cute, sexy even. getting all riled up
and wrinkling your nose like that, fire in your eyes.

but now, well darlin' you are just plain ugly.

how you ever got into my life in the first place i can't quite recall.
probably around the same time as my first training bra, yes i know it's because my friend's was a bigger one. bitch. and then there was that time that he said he liked me and then asked HER to the dance. slut.

oh but remember that time that we threw the phone across the room and broke it? ya, good times.

my fave has to be this last one though. he had to go and have a pint with HER didn't he. had to get all tipsy and reminisce with her, didn't he. even though he came back to me, told me everything, he still even thought of another person. how dare he. so what if he has known her for 8 years. so what if they had been through a lot together. so what if she is with someone in a ltr now. you and i know the truth right jealousy?

yep. we have it all sorted out.
they are all lying, cheating bastards and we had better call them on it before they break our hearts. and while we are at it, maybe we should continue to make a fool out of ourselves - you know - just to ensure that he thinks we are completely insane. that is always a good chuckle.

ah, j, such a laugh with you.
but i think it's time to move on.

you see, i don't need you in my life anymore. i have enough to worry about, that is tangible, than whether or not some guy i care about has actually spoken to someone else that he cares about. i know he cares about me, so, you have to stop trying to convince me otherwise.

you are no good for me, j, our time has run it's course.
i'm a big girl now, and it isn't cute anymore.

don't be sad though, i know lots of other people who would welcome you with open arms, i know you will never be alone. as long as people put their hearts in the hands of others, there will be insecurity and doubt. as long as we continue to put ourselves on the line for love, you will have a place to rear your ugly head. besides, if it weren't for you we wouldn't have this misconception about love, passion and romance. that says something about your power doesn't it?

don't worry j, i haven't found another neuroses to move in.
i'm full up.

it's not you, it's me.


xoxo
cheekie

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...

See, I have a problem.

I mean other than the obvious ones:

Smoking (ewww bad Cheekie)

Drinking (not as much as I'd like to)

Being a little nuts (but harmless)

Overreacting

Drama (actually I don't suffer from Drama, I'm just a carrier)

I freckle, never really tan

I feel 16, and act it often

I have a real 'thing' for seemingly 'bad' boys 

Yes, I know. But in my defense, they are never really horrible people. And never, ever physically violent (with me anyway). They just kinda run on the outside of normal. 

Either in look, attitude, thought...whatever, just aren't necessarily the nice, normal, stable guy that all my friends and family want to see me with. Not that I find nice guys boring at all, in fact, I totally dismiss the differences. I don't like the terms 'good boy' or 'bad boy'. 

It's all a relative thing. 

And frankly, I know some of the baddest assholes in town, and they are the sweetest most adorable guys you would ever meet. And you wouldn't even talk to them if you met them somewhere. I know it. You might even cross the street, in favour of the guy on the other side who looks like Ted Bundy. Point made and hopefully taken.

So when my friends and family question my judgement. And yes, this has happened more than a couple of times. It hurts.

When I hear or have heard that they will basically cut me off, or that I might lose friends because I have chosen to be around someone they don't like, or someone they perceive as a threat to me, no matter what their good intentions, it pretty much kills me. It diminishes my ability to make judgements for myself, and makes me feel untrustworthy. 

I should never, nor would I ever, make that choice.

Funniest part is that not ONE of these guys that I have dated has ever, nor would ever, make me make that kind of choice. In fact, if they knew that my friends or family had said these things it would hurt them too.

It isn't right to place ultimatums and conditions on friendship. Or family (for crapsake!).

How dare someone you love suddenly make it conditional to that extent?

As I said, a lot of people FEEL that they are doing the right thing.

They THINK they are protecting you.

But all they are doing is confusing you, and making you feel more and more alone.

More and more willing to accept less than you deserve the next time. For fear of reproach or judgement.

And what about if you decide to drop the guy and do as your friends or family request?

How's that for a kick to the old self esteem.

You trust your gut, you like someone 'unconventional' and believe you are doing what is best for you, and it makes you feel good.

Then you are told that you shouldn't trust your gut, you are wrong, it is bad, and if you continue it you won't have your friends/family to rely on.

That can crush a person.

No matter what your feelings are, no matter what your judgements are, they are YOURS.

You do not have a right to place your judgement or your values or your conditions on anyone else.

I would never, ever, treat someone that way, never have never will.

I would never ask a friend or threaten a friend with loss of my friendship in that manner.

Never.

If you have serious concerns about how a friend is being treated, definitely talk to them about it. But never threaten abandonment. 

That is a really dysfunctional thing to do, and just as emotionally abusive as any arsehole abuser.

Our friends and family are our anchors.

We may drift around in the wind, but they hold us steady.

Don't pull up the anchor on people.

They'll just sail away.

Garaunteed.

Lessons...

More thinking, ya, as if that was possible, about why I tend to get myself so riled up.

So upset, so spun, just sooooo...well, distrusting, of myself and perhaps others.

I think this latest thing to happen in my life is a prime example.

I am repeating the same lessons until I actually learn something from it.

Instant Karma thing...

Fact of the matter is, no matter what negative things I read, hear or see and no matter what positive things I read, hear or see, well, I am the only one who has to live with me. 

And my decisions, and my reactions.

There are many out there who would call me a fool (for many many reasons...lol). There are many who consider me tough (not quite sure why, but hey, it's what I am putting out there so my bad for making it so).

Basically there is an opinion to corroborate whatever line of thinking you choose. And whatever mood you are in.

The internet, Google, you can search ANYTHING.

Have a wart? OMG it might be cancer.

Have a bf who doesn't call? OMG he is fucking around.

Mother torments you? OMG you have to tell her off.

You understand my drift here?

But, your mood, your thoughts, your actions, are only yours.

We ALL have doubts occasionally.

WE ALL need people around us that we can go to for a good vent, or to remind us of why we chose the path we did.

But WE ALL need to just stop, and believe.

BELIEVE in yourself. Your gut. 

There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer.

There is only YOUR answer.

Make your decisions, based on your knowledge of right and wrong and just and fair.

Then live with them, embrace them, stick to them.

Integrity, loyality and trust are so so rare these days.

Everyone seems to want to be a cynic. They want to tell you you are fucking up. I am not sure why, why some people get this joy out of always assuming the worst of you. Of your decisions. But seriously, if you are the type of person who likes to rain on other people's parades, might I just say 'Shut the FUCK up'. 

It is hard enough these days to make a decision and stick to it, we are all so damn insecure, we really don't need friends making us feel more so. 

So try to shut out the negativity. 

Just because you are a pessimist it doesn't make it any more real than optimism. It's a 50/50.

Of course pessimists call themselves 'realists'...holy crap is that ever bullfuckingshit.

It's just as real that things could go well. 

They could go badly, of course, but telling someone that will pretty much make it so.

Manifest destiny and all.

So, be kind, be there, be nice.

BUT.

Keep your crap to yourself. 

I have enough of my own crap to deal with...tyvm.

Remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all, asshole.

(sorry for the potty mouth tonight, but I just felt like gettin' my curse on...)

xo

Gutted

Well, it seems that for all of my talk about trusting your gut and following your own heart, I am having a bit of a problem following my own advice.

Cobbler's shoeless kid, that's me.

You see, basically trusting your gut entails trusting yourself.

Trusting your judgement.

Trusting your heart.

Taking that leap of faith that maybe, just maybe, you do know what is best for you.

Oh you can listen to other people's opinions, absorb what you want, what you need, or what you are even in the mood to hear.

But it basically boils down to this,

Whatever you and your fears want to believe is what you will hear.

That little voice inside you that has been there since birth gets buried once the fear and paranoia monster show up. They take over, and you question yourself.

There is pride as well, the fear of being made a fool of, the fear of making yet another mistake.

They can be a pretty overwhelming trio at times, consuming you and making you think and do things that you may not normally do.

They can also make you distrust.

Distrust others, but mainly yourself.

The more you question your gut, the lesser your inner trust becomes.

Trusting yourself is probably the hardest trust of all to learn.

No one wants to get hurt, especially by their own doing.

But in my experience, the only times I have been seemingly hurt or wronged is when I have done it to myself, caused it myself.

You cannot learn to trust any other human being until you learn to trust yourself.

And that, my dear readers, is so so so hard.

You want to believe your friend's when they tell you what to do or think or say.

Hell you might even want to believe me right now.

But I don't know you, nor you I.

Only you know you, and only you know what is best for you.

We, and yes I most definitely include myself in this , have to stand firm in our own beliefs and own gut. It's a hard struggle, and one that will take a lifetime to perfect, however it is the only way you can trust yourself, heal yourself and believe. You may be proven wrong, but the sting is lessened by the knowledge that you honestly, truly believed you were doing the right thing.

Because YOU told YOU to.

So my friends go for it, trust yourself, and I shall try to do the same from this day on, and hopefully in time I will be able to trust others and perhaps, just perhaps, be right in doing so.

xo

Cheekie

Influence, Judgment and the ability to know...

A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other. A solemn consideration, when I enter a great city by night, that every one of those darkly clustered houses encloses its own secret; that every room in every one of them encloses its own secret; that every beating heart in the hundreds of thousands of breasts there, is, in some of its imaginings, a secret to the heart nearest it!
A Tale of Two Cities – Charles Dickens



Got to thinking recently, due to that quote, about how well you can ever really know someone.
And how much second hand information can influence you as opposed to your own judgment.
I’m sure we have all had both experiences.
Let’s say you meet someone, totally at random, on your own, with no prior knowledge of them or their life before that moment. They can be whoever you choose them to be. No prejudice, no influence, no impediment.
You also have no idea what you might be in for, who their friends are, what their family is like. You have no choice but to trust. And it is almost easier in this circumstance to trust. You follow your gut, your friends are not there to guide you so you must do it yourself.
Of course, this all has a downside. They could have a very checkered past and you will not know until it’s too late.
But then again, they don’t know you either.
It’s a trust game.
A very exciting, enticing experience.

Now what about the converse situation. One where you know someone, even remotely, and you know some things about them, second-hand of course, and you may even hear bad things about them. Or good.
How much does that affect your opinion?
I know myself that not everyone likes me, nor agrees with my choices.
But those who do know and love me, well, they do so because they know my heart.
They don’t judge me by some perhaps not-so-smart decisions.
They know the real me, they also know that any hearsay is just that.
But someone else might judge, might not give me that chance just on that basis alone.
Is that a fair shake?

So, what do you do?
Do you trust yourself, your own judgment?
Or do you listen to everyone else and possibly not give someone a fair chance because of it.

There are many platitudes about judgmental behaviour, I am not going to repeat them…
Suffice to say, that unless you have been mistreated, abused or otherwise personally been affected negatively by the person in question, the best route is to use your
own guidance, your own sense of good and bad, and most importantly, judge someone only by how they treat you, how they make you feel in their presence.

Don’t listen to gossip. Don’t believe everything you read or hear, hell even see sometimes.
And please, don’t judge.
You never, ever know the truth by second hand alone.
Even your friends, in their misguided yet well meaning advice, might advise you to stay away from someone, or not associate with certain people.
Of course their heart is in the right place, but when pressed, almost 90% of the time this advice is by hearsay alone. They don’t know them personally.
Now if their best friend, mother, sister, roommate, says stay away…well maybe you should think about doing just that. But always remember the source, always.

We are so influenced by what other people think, and so confused by our own gut instinct, we don’t trust ourselves.

Chances are if you believe someone to be a good person, even waaaayyyy deep down, so does someone else, and chances are, they ARE a good person. But good gossip doesn’t get spread as far as the fertilizer does.

Just a thought to keep in mind…

2007 in review, or "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish"

Hello my Cheekie friends...

Wow that sounded awfully 'fireside chat' of me. Well, this time of year I have a tendancy to get a little nostalgic and verbose. Moreso than usual.

As some of you know, 2007 was not the best year in Cheekieland. In fact, save a few very very shining bright spots, it sucked large hairy scrotums. Yes, I said scrotums.

So, I find myself sitting here during the last full 24 hours of 2007 wondering what is in store for the next year.

I hate NYE by the way, it is always such an emotional night for me. I gave up going to big, over the top parties years ago as it always ended in disappointment. But still, no matter what, I get very  emotional on the evening of. 

I am sure I am not alone. There are a lot of bad memories for all of us on this night. Most very personal occurrences, but I think we have all had some kind of life-altering thing happen to us on the eve of the new year.

For me (without going into too much detail) it was the evening a few years back that I realized that no matter how much I loved someone, they could still hurt me in an absolutely horrible way. That no matter what they said, it is what they do to you that counts. Actions being louder than words and all that.

It literally was the night that all of my hopes and naivete regarding relationships died.

I haven't even kissed someone at midnight in almost 5 years. 

I was hoping to exorcise these demons this year, but some things beyond my control have held that off again for me.

So, I am left to try to exorcise them myself, drink my own cup of kindness and forget my old acquaintances...

I think the hardest part about the New Year, and especially NYE is hope.

Those of us who have a hard time in general holding on to hope find that there is no 'lightning bolt' of it that comes at midnight. The clock changes, and we don't. Our circumstances don't, our lives don't. 

The only thing that we can wish for is that the people surrounding us help us hope, help us hold on for just one more year. Teach us that love exists, that someone, somewhere is thinking of us at the exact moment we are thinking of them. 

I don't make resolutions. I don't believe in them.

However, if I were to make a New Year's wish it would be for all of us to gain back that tiny grain of hope. A smidge of naivete, a drop of blind faith.

I make that wish for you my friends, and for myself.

Here's to blind faith, lets hope we aren't crossing the street in front of a tram when it comes....

xxoo

Cheekie