Pace, sync, simpatico - whatever you call it. Recently I have discovered that this is one of the most, if not the most, important ingredients in a successful relationship.
It's what some people mean when they say 'timing'. Let's face it, timing isn't about how much money you have, or don't, what kind of job or car you have and whether it all is 'good enough', no, it's about your inner timing.
When one person is more ready for the emotional involvement of a relationship than the other, it's called 'bad timing' for lack of a better word. A relationship demands a great deal of emotional vulnerability, and if you haven't cleared up your shit enough to do that then that's when the trouble starts.
You could want a relationship, meet someone great. Have a fantastic few months, 'I love you's' even spoken, but that doesn't mean you are emotionally ready.
There is this thing that happens with successful couples (note I didn't say 'happy' because no couple is always happy - stop that delusion right now), and that is emotional pace. You both run at the same one. Some couples have one who is just over that hill and one who's further ahead, and it won't work out. Others have one at the bottom and one at the top, again, disaster. You will always be struggling to understand them, and vice versa. It will feel like you do all the work, when they do none. Or if you are at the bottom, you will feel pressured and not ready, sometimes even manipulated.
This seems to happen around the magical 6 month marker. When one day you wake up and realize 'shit, this is a relationship!'. You either panic, or you smile. Or both. If you're lucky, the person you are with is making the same face, and having the same reaction as you. That's damn fine emotional pace. That moment when it clicks - brilliant.
With good emotional pace you don't panic if the other hasn't said 'I love you' yet, you don't freak out if you aren't married within a year, and you take your time - and it seems easy that way. The emotional aspect comes naturally, you flow from one stage to another - no pressure. Emotional pace just being one part, there are other things that can fuck up a good thing. But if you have emotional pace it really does make it easier, more focused as a couple. You are really together, and you feel it.
Nothing is worse than that feeling that you love someone more than they love you, or feeling like you're wasting your time. You love them, but it's just not right and you can't figure it out. You ask yourself 'why?' when it doesn't end well. You remember all the tender good moments, the 'I love you's', and you are left spinning as to why it didn't work. Emotional pace.
Quite often, just to play devil's advocate, a guy will really love and care about a woman, but feel pressured into too much, too soon. Maybe he's not over the last drama of a relationship, maybe he was almost there but not quite, and maybe the woman wasn't ready either - but wanted a relationship so badly that she over-amped it. Demanded more commitment than even she was really ready for. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her, even though it didn't work out, it doesn't even mean he doesn't maybe see things happening in the future. We women tend to be very black and white with relationships. If they don't want a relationship with us, they must not care, if they don't care, we say fuck off. All of this being an inner assumption.
Not true from the majority of guys I speak with.
Many are just not ready, and just felt too trapped, consumed. But I speak with the same guys a year later, and they are ready to settle down. Maybe they regret what happened. But, the woman has closed the door. So the guy moves on. What else can he do.
Of course this scenario works in reverse as well, I was just using a 'for instance'. Quite commonly though it is the woman pressuring the man for more, feeling inadequate and insecure when he doesn't want more, and being devasted when he ends it. But these women have to realise that it isn't them, it's the emotional pace.
By no means am I talking about when it's blatantly obvious your man is an asswiping dickhead of a commitment phobic emotional moron - then just run. far and fast. I'm talking about real life nice couples that don't work out for some reason or another and neither can pinpoint why. Some say 'he had too much baggage and couldn't deal' or 'she was a controlling bitch who wouldn't let me do anything'...there is always more to it isn't there. Every onion has it's layers, and most of the time when you aren't emotionally connected to yourself and what you want it results in behaviours that can destroy a relationship. You have to be honest about what you are ready for. And put the baggage away, once and for all. Deal with it, find someone with a matching set - not easy but worth it - and find out what good emotional pace is all about. And stop blaming yourself or them! We all see the wee red flags, we all have chosen to ignore them, we've all been there. Learn, grow. I've loved someone, deeply and madly, in the past - and we couldn't have been more out of sync. It became painfully more apparent when, in our dying days, he admitted that he never wanted what he said he did, that he had just said it to 'make me happy and make himself want it'...ouch. OUCH. I know I'm not alone, I know that others have gone through this - male and female. I also see where I went wrong, wanting something that I wasn't ready for and maybe trying to polish a turd in the process.
Timing. Is. Everything.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
So, my dears, how the hell are you.
Me? I'm alright I suppose.
In a big time bitch today. BIG time.
Not sure why, the sun is shining, it's warm and gorgeous out, it's St Paddy's and everyone I know is drinking their faces off. Except me. But that's ok, don't mind - that much. Have a couple Guinness for me though eh?
I guess I'm just bitchy because of this whole long distance relationship thing. And yes, 3 months is a long long time to not see your man. For many reasons. And yes, that reason too. Ugh.
It's hard to stay connected, really hard. Especially when there's thousands of miles and time zones to hurdle over. I call after dinner, he's half asleep. I call in the morning, he's out. I call midday, he's out or eating dinner or someone else is on the phone. So dinner time here is late night there and the only time we get to chat.
Sometimes, we manage to get a morning call in, but I'm usually rushing to get kiddo out the door, so it's more of a good morning i love you talk to you later call then anything else.
I will say one thing though, distance has made my heart grow fonder. All the reasons why you love someone become crystal clear when you're apart. All the petty arguments don't happen. Some bigger issue arguments do though. Trust, insecurity, loneliness. All huge issues that come up when you're apart.
It's hard to deal with sometimes, and even the most secure of us can find ourselves wondering if they have or will find someone else. They wonder whether you will. You worry about them more, cause you aren't physically there to take care of them, watch them go to work or out and come home again. You have to trust this big wide world to take care of them for you. And just hope to hell that you get that call later and they're ok.
I am a jealous person by nature, I realise this and fight with it regularly. I try not to let it take over, but sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable it does. And nothing can destroy a relationship faster than letting it rear it's ugly head too often.
I admit I have, I admit that my mind gets the better of me sometimes. Even though I know in my heart that he would never do that to me. I really do. It's just hard.
The loneliness sucks too.
I've always been independent, just fine on my own at home alone. I can entertain myself and keep busy better than most. I'm happy just reading a book or doing some kind of crafty nonsense. I'm at peace, it's all good.
But, this time it's different. I hate it.
I find myself standing in the room looking around like I've forgotten something.
I go to bed at night and it feels so empty. I haven't even slept on his side once. Not once. His keys are right where he left them, his stuff right where he left it. I can't bear to move anything. Pathetic isn't it? I've become one of those. Those girls who can't seem to exist without her man. Sort of. And I've started to become a little scared at night when I'm alone - something that's never happened to me before - I hear a noise and I freak. I double check all the locks before bed. I've lost my protector for now. Never really had one before, and I guess I got used to it. It makes me happy to know he is, but sad to know I really do need it. Again, I'm pathetic. Don't even get me started about not being able to smell him anymore. The good smells I mean.
I go out, I do my thing, I survive just fine. But something big is missing. My right arm, my best friend, my heart.
It isn't fun at all, believe.
This is the first time I've ever done the ldr thing. I guess it would be a lot easier if we had the money for me to go visit. But we don't. And that's the part that sucks.
We just need a couple of weeks together to recharge, refuel and reconnect.
Then we'll be fine. Given that this situation will be going on for much longer than we originally thought, I'm going to have to find a way. I can't bear the thought of 3 more months like this.
I really can't.
So I guess I have a right to be bitchy. Or at least a good reason.
Posted by cheekie at 12:36 PM
Monday, February 1, 2010
Hiya! You still there?
As you can see, it's me, yup, really. I'm not kidding. I'll pinch myself for you, just so you can be sure.
I'm a bad bad girl. I've been neglecting you, and I'm sorry for that.
Lots has happened, so to save your eyes and my sanity here's a brief synopsis (then I'll get to the good stuff)
So, since my last post, over a year ago, here has what's gone down in Cheekie land.
- worked a lot, got very close to houseguest (became an official couple), laid off of job, starting downward spiral of no work - bs with now official bf, was very happy with him none the less (still am so save your tissues), we decided that he should go back home for a while to reconnect with family and 'sort himself', I'm still actively looking for work (without any income it sucks large round here), been trying to volunteer more, thinking of going back to school, thinking of declaring bankruptcy (due to the rolling pennies factor - can't pay bills, rent, etc), found out you have to have a job to declare bankruptcy (!!???!?!?!?!? wtf ?!?!?!?!), struggling and living on hopes (not a very filling meal), speak with bf once or twice a day, dying to see him, miss him so much I can't even explain it (been 1.5 months), can't afford to fly over to visit right now so biding time very impatiently, son is wonderful and doesn't have a clue as to how miserable mum is, and now, I'm sitting here telling perfect strangers all about it.
Funny thing, life.
After I lost my last job (first time fired - EVER) I was ok, thought everything would work out. A year went by, many Peter's robbed to pay Paul's. So many things got put on the backburner. Rent vs food vs heat vs electricity is a very tough call.
Then I found my contract gig. Woohooo. It was a tough job, for an ungrateful and disinterested person, but it was a job and I was happy. FINALLY I could get caught up and have some semblance of a normal, non scrounging existence.
Boom, crash. I was informed that my services were no longer going to be needed, as the facility would be closing due to the economy. As I was contract, without a safety net, and with no pay -in as such to Employment Insurance, well that left me super high and super dry. I panicked, big big big time. (by the way, 7 months later, the facility is still up and running and one of my staff was hired to take over my position - part time, but I wasn't even OFFERED this option - pissed? you effin bet)
Back to square -1.
In the midst of all of this, he sauntered into my life. Moved in a year ago last October, unemployed but looking. We both struggled and scrapped to make ends meet. At times it proved to be too much. I would recoil into bitchland, and he would retreat to pintland. This, naturally, caused big issues. But we worked through them.
Finally, a couple of months ago, we talked about him going back to the UK to help his parents out, and to get himself sorted on the work front and take some time to work through any residual issues he may have.
Thought it would be a great opportunity for us both to get some headspace and figure out what to do next without the pressure of the other persons bad habits and baggage getting in the way.
Space can be a good, productive thing, especially when you're stuck and in limbo.
So, as things have a habit of doing lately, it's gotten worse.
I'm finding my positive attitude is just an attitude (and a boring, depressing, bitch of one at that) and my finances are less than optimum (they don't even amount the the quantity of letters in that last sentence).
The one and only thing keeping me going is him.
The pain in my arse, the thorn in my side, the snorer in my sleep, the user of all the toilet paper (what DO they do with it all? jeez).
We are in this together. He reminds me of that daily, he tells me to keep hope, he makes me smile, we unrealistically dream of my catching the next flight over, he tells me he loves me and misses me. You may think it isn't much, but it's more than I ever hoped for. We aren't perfect. We can fight like you wouldn't believe. What was I thinking getting involved with a Gemini? Freaks.
But I honestly never thought I would ever have anyone stand by me like this. Thick and thin, better or worse.
Most run when the going gets tough, but he isn't. And he loves me just as much, if not more, than when I had that good job and we were going out for dinner - instead of sitting on the couch watching stolen cable signal shows eating beans on toast. Again.
I can honestly say that I never thought I would be in this financial position.
I'm bright, hardworking, fully capable and strong, eager, and willing.
I've applied for every position I'm even remotely capable of doing (shops, restaurants, call centres, florist, seamstress, manager, asst manager...etc) and nothing. I'm educated, trained, computer literate, attractive, organized.....
If it's this bad for me, I think of all the people who don't have my skillset who must be struggling 10x worse.
And it breaks my heart.
Children going hungry, mums and dads unsure of where the next meal will come from. I'm relieved that my son has his dad to help out. I know he'll be ok and I'm not going to let my pride stand in the way of his getting what he needs to be happy and healthy. Not a lot of single mums can say the same. That's blessing number 1.
It's tough times for a lot of people, I know I'm not alone.
And even more so, I know I'm not alone because I have him.
Even though he's 3000 miles away I know he's here.
But, dammit, I could use a hug right now.
p.s. don't worry about me, like my dad once said to me 'you know, I never have to worry about you, you will always be ok'
and I will.
Posted by cheekie at 1:08 PM