Sunday, March 21, 2010

Emotional Pace

Pace, sync, simpatico - whatever you call it. Recently I have discovered that this is one of the most, if not the most, important ingredients in a successful relationship.

It's what some people mean when they say 'timing'. Let's face it, timing isn't about how much money you have, or don't, what kind of job or car you have and whether it all is 'good enough', no, it's about your inner timing.

When one person is more ready for the emotional involvement of a relationship than the other, it's called 'bad timing' for lack of a better word. A relationship demands a great deal of emotional vulnerability, and if you haven't cleared up your shit enough to do that then that's when the trouble starts.

You could want a relationship, meet someone great. Have a fantastic few months, 'I love you's' even spoken, but that doesn't mean you are emotionally ready.
There is this thing that happens with successful couples (note I didn't say 'happy' because no couple is always happy - stop that delusion right now), and that is emotional pace. You both run at the same one. Some couples have one who is just over that hill and one who's further ahead, and it won't work out. Others have one at the bottom and one at the top, again, disaster. You will always be struggling to understand them, and vice versa. It will feel like you do all the work, when they do none. Or if you are at the bottom, you will feel pressured and not ready, sometimes even manipulated.

This seems to happen around the magical 6 month marker. When one day you wake up and realize 'shit, this is a relationship!'. You either panic, or you smile. Or both. If you're lucky, the person you are with is making the same face, and having the same reaction as you. That's damn fine emotional pace. That moment when it clicks - brilliant.

With good emotional pace you don't panic if the other hasn't said 'I love you' yet, you don't freak out if you aren't married within a year, and you take your time - and it seems easy that way. The emotional aspect comes naturally, you flow from one stage to another - no pressure. Emotional pace just being one part, there are other things that can fuck up a good thing. But if you have emotional pace it really does make it easier, more focused as a couple. You are really together, and you feel it.

Nothing is worse than that feeling that you love someone more than they love you, or feeling like you're wasting your time. You love them, but it's just not right and you can't figure it out. You ask yourself 'why?' when it doesn't end well. You remember all the tender good moments, the 'I love you's', and you are left spinning as to why it didn't work. Emotional pace.

Quite often, just to play devil's advocate, a guy will really love and care about a woman, but feel pressured into too much, too soon. Maybe he's not over the last drama of a relationship, maybe he was almost there but not quite, and maybe the woman wasn't ready either - but wanted a relationship so badly that she over-amped it. Demanded more commitment than even she was really ready for. It doesn't mean that he didn't love her, even though it didn't work out, it doesn't even mean he doesn't maybe see things happening in the future. We women tend to be very black and white with relationships. If they don't want a relationship with us, they must not care, if they don't care, we say fuck off. All of this being an inner assumption.
Not true from the majority of guys I speak with.

Many are just not ready, and just felt too trapped, consumed. But I speak with the same guys a year later, and they are ready to settle down. Maybe they regret what happened. But, the woman has closed the door. So the guy moves on. What else can he do.

Of course this scenario works in reverse as well, I was just using a 'for instance'. Quite commonly though it is the woman pressuring the man for more, feeling inadequate and insecure when he doesn't want more, and being devasted when he ends it. But these women have to realise that it isn't them, it's the emotional pace.

By no means am I talking about when it's blatantly obvious your man is an asswiping dickhead of a commitment phobic emotional moron - then just run. far and fast. I'm talking about real life nice couples that don't work out for some reason or another and neither can pinpoint why. Some say 'he had too much baggage and couldn't deal' or 'she was a controlling bitch who wouldn't let me do anything'...there is always more to it isn't there. Every onion has it's layers, and most of the time when you aren't emotionally connected to yourself and what you want it results in behaviours that can destroy a relationship. You have to be honest about what you are ready for. And put the baggage away, once and for all. Deal with it, find someone with a matching set - not easy but worth it - and find out what good emotional pace is all about. And stop blaming yourself or them! We all see the wee red flags, we all have chosen to ignore them, we've all been there. Learn, grow. I've loved someone, deeply and madly, in the past - and we couldn't have been more out of sync. It became painfully more apparent when, in our dying days, he admitted that he never wanted what he said he did, that he had just said it to 'make me happy and make himself want it'...ouch. OUCH. I know I'm not alone, I know that others have gone through this - male and female. I also see where I went wrong, wanting something that I wasn't ready for and maybe trying to polish a turd in the process.

Timing. Is. Everything.


1 comment:

auntiegwen said...

hey cheekie, great to see you back girl xxxxx