Bigtime Bitchyness

So, my dears, how the hell are you.
Me? I'm alright I suppose.

In a big time bitch today. BIG time.
Not sure why, the sun is shining, it's warm and gorgeous out, it's St Paddy's and everyone I know is drinking their faces off. Except me. But that's ok, don't mind - that much. Have a couple Guinness for me though eh?

I guess I'm just bitchy because of this whole long distance relationship thing. And yes, 3 months is a long long time to not see your man. For many reasons. And yes, that reason too. Ugh.

It's hard to stay connected, really hard. Especially when there's thousands of miles and time zones to hurdle over. I call after dinner, he's half asleep. I call in the morning, he's out. I call midday, he's out or eating dinner or someone else is on the phone. So dinner time here is late night there and the only time we get to chat.
Sometimes, we manage to get a morning call in, but I'm usually rushing to get kiddo out the door, so it's more of a good morning i love you talk to you later call then anything else.

I will say one thing though, distance has made my heart grow fonder. All the reasons why you love someone become crystal clear when you're apart. All the petty arguments don't happen. Some bigger issue arguments do though. Trust, insecurity, loneliness. All huge issues that come up when you're apart.

It's hard to deal with sometimes, and even the most secure of us can find ourselves wondering if they have or will find someone else. They wonder whether you will. You worry about them more, cause you aren't physically there to take care of them, watch them go to work or out and come home again. You have to trust this big wide world to take care of them for you. And just hope to hell that you get that call later and they're ok.

I am a jealous person by nature, I realise this and fight with it regularly. I try not to let it take over, but sometimes when I'm feeling vulnerable it does. And nothing can destroy a relationship faster than letting it rear it's ugly head too often.
I admit I have, I admit that my mind gets the better of me sometimes. Even though I know in my heart that he would never do that to me. I really do. It's just hard.

The loneliness sucks too.
I've always been independent, just fine on my own at home alone. I can entertain myself and keep busy better than most. I'm happy just reading a book or doing some kind of crafty nonsense. I'm at peace, it's all good.
But, this time it's different. I hate it.
I find myself standing in the room looking around like I've forgotten something.
I go to bed at night and it feels so empty. I haven't even slept on his side once. Not once. His keys are right where he left them, his stuff right where he left it. I can't bear to move anything. Pathetic isn't it? I've become one of those. Those girls who can't seem to exist without her man. Sort of. And I've started to become a little scared at night when I'm alone - something that's never happened to me before - I hear a noise and I freak. I double check all the locks before bed. I've lost my protector for now. Never really had one before, and I guess I got used to it. It makes me happy to know he is, but sad to know I really do need it. Again, I'm pathetic. Don't even get me started about not being able to smell him anymore. The good smells I mean.

I go out, I do my thing, I survive just fine. But something big is missing. My right arm, my best friend, my heart.
It isn't fun at all, believe.

This is the first time I've ever done the ldr thing. I guess it would be a lot easier if we had the money for me to go visit. But we don't. And that's the part that sucks.
We just need a couple of weeks together to recharge, refuel and reconnect.
Then we'll be fine. Given that this situation will be going on for much longer than we originally thought, I'm going to have to find a way. I can't bear the thought of 3 more months like this.

I really can't.

So I guess I have a right to be bitchy. Or at least a good reason.

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