Monday, February 1, 2010

Gee it's dark in this cave

Hiya! You still there?
As you can see, it's me, yup, really. I'm not kidding. I'll pinch myself for you, just so you can be sure.

I'm a bad bad girl. I've been neglecting you, and I'm sorry for that.
Lots has happened, so to save your eyes and my sanity here's a brief synopsis (then I'll get to the good stuff)

So, since my last post, over a year ago, here has what's gone down in Cheekie land.

- worked a lot, got very close to houseguest (became an official couple), laid off of job, starting downward spiral of no work - bs with now official bf, was very happy with him none the less (still am so save your tissues), we decided that he should go back home for a while to reconnect with family and 'sort himself', I'm still actively looking for work (without any income it sucks large round here), been trying to volunteer more, thinking of going back to school, thinking of declaring bankruptcy (due to the rolling pennies factor - can't pay bills, rent, etc), found out you have to have a job to declare bankruptcy (!!???!?!?!?!? wtf ?!?!?!?!), struggling and living on hopes (not a very filling meal), speak with bf once or twice a day, dying to see him, miss him so much I can't even explain it (been 1.5 months), can't afford to fly over to visit right now so biding time very impatiently, son is wonderful and doesn't have a clue as to how miserable mum is, and now, I'm sitting here telling perfect strangers all about it.

That's it.

Funny thing, life.
After I lost my last job (first time fired - EVER) I was ok, thought everything would work out. A year went by, many Peter's robbed to pay Paul's. So many things got put on the backburner. Rent vs food vs heat vs electricity is a very tough call.
Then I found my contract gig. Woohooo. It was a tough job, for an ungrateful and disinterested person, but it was a job and I was happy. FINALLY I could get caught up and have some semblance of a normal, non scrounging existence.

Boom, crash. I was informed that my services were no longer going to be needed, as the facility would be closing due to the economy. As I was contract, without a safety net, and with no pay -in as such to Employment Insurance, well that left me super high and super dry. I panicked, big big big time. (by the way, 7 months later, the facility is still up and running and one of my staff was hired to take over my position - part time, but I wasn't even OFFERED this option - pissed? you effin bet)
Back to square -1.

In the midst of all of this, he sauntered into my life. Moved in a year ago last October, unemployed but looking. We both struggled and scrapped to make ends meet. At times it proved to be too much. I would recoil into bitchland, and he would retreat to pintland. This, naturally, caused big issues. But we worked through them.

Finally, a couple of months ago, we talked about him going back to the UK to help his parents out, and to get himself sorted on the work front and take some time to work through any residual issues he may have.
Thought it would be a great opportunity for us both to get some headspace and figure out what to do next without the pressure of the other persons bad habits and baggage getting in the way.
Space can be a good, productive thing, especially when you're stuck and in limbo.

So, as things have a habit of doing lately, it's gotten worse.
I'm finding my positive attitude is just an attitude (and a boring, depressing, bitch of one at that) and my finances are less than optimum (they don't even amount the the quantity of letters in that last sentence).

The one and only thing keeping me going is him.
The pain in my arse, the thorn in my side, the snorer in my sleep, the user of all the toilet paper (what DO they do with it all? jeez).

We are in this together. He reminds me of that daily, he tells me to keep hope, he makes me smile, we unrealistically dream of my catching the next flight over, he tells me he loves me and misses me. You may think it isn't much, but it's more than I ever hoped for. We aren't perfect. We can fight like you wouldn't believe. What was I thinking getting involved with a Gemini? Freaks.

But I honestly never thought I would ever have anyone stand by me like this. Thick and thin, better or worse.
Most run when the going gets tough, but he isn't. And he loves me just as much, if not more, than when I had that good job and we were going out for dinner - instead of sitting on the couch watching stolen cable signal shows eating beans on toast. Again.

I can honestly say that I never thought I would be in this financial position.
I'm bright, hardworking, fully capable and strong, eager, and willing.
I've applied for every position I'm even remotely capable of doing (shops, restaurants, call centres, florist, seamstress, manager, asst manager...etc) and nothing. I'm educated, trained, computer literate, attractive, organized.....

If it's this bad for me, I think of all the people who don't have my skillset who must be struggling 10x worse.
And it breaks my heart.
Children going hungry, mums and dads unsure of where the next meal will come from. I'm relieved that my son has his dad to help out. I know he'll be ok and I'm not going to let my pride stand in the way of his getting what he needs to be happy and healthy. Not a lot of single mums can say the same. That's blessing number 1.

It's tough times for a lot of people, I know I'm not alone.
And even more so, I know I'm not alone because I have him.
Even though he's 3000 miles away I know he's here.

But, dammit, I could use a hug right now.

p.s. don't worry about me, like my dad once said to me 'you know, I never have to worry about you, you will always be ok'
and I will.

I hope.


1 comment:

migglymoo said...
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