Lessons...

More thinking, ya, as if that was possible, about why I tend to get myself so riled up.

So upset, so spun, just sooooo...well, distrusting, of myself and perhaps others.

I think this latest thing to happen in my life is a prime example.

I am repeating the same lessons until I actually learn something from it.

Instant Karma thing...

Fact of the matter is, no matter what negative things I read, hear or see and no matter what positive things I read, hear or see, well, I am the only one who has to live with me. 

And my decisions, and my reactions.

There are many out there who would call me a fool (for many many reasons...lol). There are many who consider me tough (not quite sure why, but hey, it's what I am putting out there so my bad for making it so).

Basically there is an opinion to corroborate whatever line of thinking you choose. And whatever mood you are in.

The internet, Google, you can search ANYTHING.

Have a wart? OMG it might be cancer.

Have a bf who doesn't call? OMG he is fucking around.

Mother torments you? OMG you have to tell her off.

You understand my drift here?

But, your mood, your thoughts, your actions, are only yours.

We ALL have doubts occasionally.

WE ALL need people around us that we can go to for a good vent, or to remind us of why we chose the path we did.

But WE ALL need to just stop, and believe.

BELIEVE in yourself. Your gut. 

There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer.

There is only YOUR answer.

Make your decisions, based on your knowledge of right and wrong and just and fair.

Then live with them, embrace them, stick to them.

Integrity, loyality and trust are so so rare these days.

Everyone seems to want to be a cynic. They want to tell you you are fucking up. I am not sure why, why some people get this joy out of always assuming the worst of you. Of your decisions. But seriously, if you are the type of person who likes to rain on other people's parades, might I just say 'Shut the FUCK up'. 

It is hard enough these days to make a decision and stick to it, we are all so damn insecure, we really don't need friends making us feel more so. 

So try to shut out the negativity. 

Just because you are a pessimist it doesn't make it any more real than optimism. It's a 50/50.

Of course pessimists call themselves 'realists'...holy crap is that ever bullfuckingshit.

It's just as real that things could go well. 

They could go badly, of course, but telling someone that will pretty much make it so.

Manifest destiny and all.

So, be kind, be there, be nice.

BUT.

Keep your crap to yourself. 

I have enough of my own crap to deal with...tyvm.

Remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all, asshole.

(sorry for the potty mouth tonight, but I just felt like gettin' my curse on...)

xo

The Blame Game

Howdy all,

Been a busy little camper this past week or so...so much to blog, so little time...

So an update on the 30 days of Drama series over at Baggage Reclaim...doing some guest posting as you may or may not know.

The latest one I rant about is blame and how it causes/effects relationships especially in the area of self perpetuated drama. Go check it out! 

(and check out the rest of the amazing posts there, great discussions going on!)

On another note, I have been doing a lot of thinking about a few things since reading the book

"Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert (ya, I know, I may be the last person in the world to read it, I usually wait till the feeding frenzy fad stops then get go for it).

Now, first off, I did enjoy the book. A lot.

At some points it really resonated with me. I have been through pretty much everything she has. So, reading her reactions to said issues really affected me in a way I can't explain.

I too have sat on that bathroom floor crying and wondering 'wtf? why?'....

That being said, I have to say that the ending didn't help me in the way the rest of the book did.

Yes, it  is the truth and her real story, but for me it left me wondering about the real way it turns out for the majority of us.

Do we all wish for that light at the end of the tunnel? (damn effin' straight)

Do we all hope that all of our struggles and pain pay off in the end? (oh hell ya)

Is the only thing that keeps us going the thought that one day, someday, we too can be happy, content, and find love? (more than anything)

But plain old fact of the matter is, there is sometimes NO payoff.

NO reward.

And in our reward based society, where we are told 'Work hard, keep your chin up, and everything will fall into place', what happens when it doesn't?

What happens when you do go through the philosophical drama, the identity crisis, the depression, the failed relationships, the hard hard times and there is nothing but status quo at the end?

Well, you end up feeling like you have done something wrong.

That you have plain and simply fucked it all right up.

We, in North America (and indeed most of the Capitalist world) co-opt the theory of Karma.

We take it to mean that if you DO work hard, DO struggle, DO sacrifice, DO comprimise, you will be paid off in the reward of contentment, happiness and the satisfaction of a 'job well done'.

This applies to our personal growth as well, you put in the work, you reap the rewards.

This isn't the true definition of Karma, which takes lifetimes to 'pay off', not just one lifetime of the proper investment portfolio, charity work, nice house, kids, nice car and neighbourhood bbq's. It starts early, in school, we do well - we get a star! OOHHH! Or maybe even applause! I want applause! Where's my damn applause!!!

Is it really that simple? Or should I say clear cut, because most people, dare I say the majority of people, never reach the ultimate goal of contentment.

We are always striving for that inner peace, and for most of us, it never comes.

To those of you that have reached that goal, BRAVA!, I salute you.

But really, how many? Are we talking 15% of the population? Doubtful. 10%? Maybe, tops.

So, I am no math whiz, but that means a whopping 90% of us are still searching for the Holy Grail of Happy.

We were told we would get a reward, now where the hell is it?

Well then we must be doing something wrong cause damn this is taking a long time!

We are doing something wrong.

We are EXPECTING that reward.

We feel it is DUE to us somehow.

'I've played by the rules' you say 'Why isn't it getting easier?' you wonder.

There is no reward kids.

You shouldn't have to sacrifice to be happy, you shouldn't have to toil and watch your life go into the perfect RRSP to find contentment.

Life is one big gold star.

We get to be here. We, unlike the rest of the various species that share our earth, get to enjoy the ride with some of the best, most enjoyable distractions ever created.

And why do we have these distractions?

Because somewhere, deep in the work-weary recesses of our minds, we know this.

We know it is the ride of our lifetime that is the pay off.

So, go get your applause.

Buy and consume, people and things.

But at the end of the day, we do all go out the way we came in - equal and starkers without teeth.

So, stop watching other peoples lives on tv and read a bloody book, travel, laugh, eat KD out of the pot like a 10 yr old, do ridiculous, silly things that people think you're nuts to do.

Live YOUR life. No apologies, no applause, no gold stars.

Just enjoy.

xo

Cheekie

Control Issues

There are two different types of control freaks, especially when it comes to personal relationships.

The first is the type that needs to control everything in order to keep from losing it. They must have everything in front of them, know it, know where it is, push it pull it touch it feel it smell it hover over it and watch it, just in case it tries to go away. If it tries to go away, it pulls it closer so it can’t leave as easily, if at all.

The second is the type that controls everything to the extent that it pushes everything to a safe arms distance away. If they have it too close, they might lose it and only have themselves to blame, so it is easier to control things to such and extent that they never let anything come too close. Close equals pain. The further something is, the easier it is to walk away if it starts to hurt too much. They can’t handle the blame or accountability, it hurts too much to try and fail.

Both are insecure, both are afraid of losing things. But the first is afraid of losing everything and the second is afraid of having everything.

The first is women in most cases the second is men.

Men have to appear to never feel it, never get too close to it, never really know it.

Women must have control over it, so it doesn’t have control over them, so that they can be sure that no one will abandon them,

Actually in both cases, they are afraid of being abandoned. 

Left, brokenhearted and not had any control over it.

But that is what great relationships are all about, neither needing to have control, because you know that it is only when you are afraid of something in the relationship or yourself that you must have control over it. 

The fear of being abandoned is firmly ingrained in a lot of us.

I won’t get into the psychology of it; I am definitely NOT qualified for that.

But suffice to say, I believe that we are all so terrified of so many things these days.

Mostly ourselves. We distrust our own feelings and judgment to the point that we can never be too sure. Constantly testing, constantly attempting to control our situations.

This fear can manifest in a million different ways, but in relationships it causes a lot of confusion and pain. People are misunderstood, women considered 'nags' and 'needy' and men appear to be 'distant' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

This is all based in fear. All based in insecurity. 

So when do you know you have to cut bait? When does this fear get to the point that there is no possibility of a healthy relationship that can exist from this current manifestation?

If you both decide to stick with it, work out your problems, first thing that has to happen is with you, alone.

You have to figure out what it is that you are afraid of, what makes you feel insecure and so terrified of abandonment.

Then and only then, you can come back together to discuss it, honestly and openly.

Hell write it all down if you have to. Let him read it.

But be present. 

Unfortunately these days, most people read the above and say 'pfffft, forget that, why would I want to do that, it isn't worth it'. Fine, then bail, but do it together and be grown ups about it. Have respect for each other most importantly. Don't just disappear in the night leaving unanswered questions and 'what if's'.

Look at it this way, even if you don't find the answers to the issues in this relationship doing this 'homework' on yourself can only lead to good for your next relationship.

You will know your triggers, your touchy points, your insecurities.

And most importantly you can learn to make peace with all of your nasty little skeletons and give up a bit of that grip of control that you need.

Case in point. Let's say you are seeing this guy, it's all good, you are having fun, dating each other exclusively (to the point that you get invited to things as a couple).

Suddenly, he says he is going to stay in one night, or something similar (buddies, poker, etc). 

Be honest, what is the first thing that happens in your psyche? 

Big old alarm bells right? You panic, you blurt out:

'Why?'

'What's wrong?'

'But, but, I wanted to see you tonight' (you whine)

'Fine. Whatever. Talk to you later'. click. (passive aggressive's actually have the most control issues, btw)

What's wrong with this? The questions? No, cause sometimes it's good to ask them. But is it warranted? This feeling of anxiety and panic?

You have lost control right? That is all that reaction is. That anger, that f.i.n.e. word.

So what do you do. Try next time this happens to just chilllllllll.

Say this instead. Take a big big deep mental breath first...

'Really, ok, well I WAS looking forward to seeing you tonight, but that's cool. I'm still going to go, but I will talk to you tomorrow'. Don't pretend to be 'fine'. Don't get all worked up either though. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Can you really change anything anyway? Sure, whining works, but do you really want him there if he doesn't want to be? Think about any time this has happened. You ended up arguing or having a lousy time right?

So, give him his space (and vice versa if situations are reversed here).

You can't control another person. Especially not their feelings.

So stop trying. Control your own reactions and thought processes.

Only then will you make peace with your own judgments, and learn to trust yourself again. With or without him.

Bastards into Perfect Partners....

I read this post by NML of the most excellent baggage-reclaim site


and the whole darn thing has me very perplexed.
why?
because it is so true, and it affects us, as women, often.
very very very very often.
it jabs right down into our very 'essence'.
we question ourselves for our man's lack of ability to commit to us, and then commit to someone else. it makes us wonder about our ability to nurture. the very thing we are told we are made to do. is their new love better at it all?

are they a better lover/cook/girlfriend
are they more understanding/patient/sexy
do his parents like HER better? his friends? colleagues?

what was so wrong with us when we gave them everything?

nothing. right?
absolutely fucking nothing.

do I know why these guys drop us claiming inability to commit only to pick up and hook up with someone else shortly thereafter? fuck no. wish I did...

I am pretty sure that it has happened to most of you out there (male and female, far be it from me to discriminate).
does or did it make you feel inferior or damaged in any way shape or form?
did it make you question your abilities to have and keep a partner?
especially when someone obviously so deficient in 'commitment' goes on to have exactly what you wanted with them, but with someone else. it hurts. a lot.

In case you haven't noticed, either I pick the wrong guys, or they pick me. that is up for debate. (later later...)
After reading another one of NML's posts about that very subject regarding our (the royal female 'we') projecting OUR unavailability.

seriously. are our fears of commitment and failing causing us to pick the wrong guys?
are our shortcomings and inability to deal with them making us pick relationships that are going to mess us up more, and be able to blame the guy instead of just dealing with our own shit?
when will we take accountability for just being the dumbasses that we can be sometimes by choosing guys that we KNOW are bad for us.
yes yes, I know, he kisses like he means it, he fucks like he means it...he looooooovvveeees you. right.
if he loved you (or me) so much, then why is he with someone else right now???

no, the world isn't that black and white sometimes, but frankly, love can be.
and until we start raising the bar for ourselves, and realizing that mistakes get made(move the hell on)...and to just hope to hell that each failure means we are that much closer to finding the one.

if there is the one. oh shit, I just did it again didn't I...sorry sorry, I will stop being sooooo jaded.

of course there is the ONE. yippee!! I can't WAIT to find him!!! *hearts, hugs, cheesey emoticons*

ya, I just threw up a little in my mouth too...

another from the vault!

Hey kids...here is another posting from the recent past...thought it tied in with my last one a bit.
I would love to hear your thoughts/comments/complaints/whinging/anger about anything I write.
I do so love a good debate! teehee....
xo
cheekie

I think I might be looking for something that doesn't exist.
A fabrication of my imagination.

The "nice" bad boy.

You know, just a decent, nice, sweet, sexy guy. You know, that I can't keep my hands off of, and vice versa. Who has a job, but loves to go out and get silly occasionally?

Men, you do realize that your behaviour is what makes us bitter, right?
When it comes down to it, getting treated like crap gets to you after a while.
Then you wonder why so many women seem nutty, or bitter, or even both.
And I am not one of those girls who lets herself be treated like crap.

I am pretty darn honest and I will come right out and ask a guy what the deal is. However, it doesn't seem to matter, cause apparently honesty scares them too. Even though every single one of them claims to “hate games” and “lying”.
They all end up with the chicks who play the most games…wtf?

So, just so we women have this straight, men are afraid of the following:

• commitment
• honesty
• women over 30
• women with kids
• women who make their own money
• women who seem needy/not needy enough
• women with emotions
• women who are slighty confused/bitter/nutty....but harmless

Usually that bitterness is due to self protection, and if you dig a bit deeper guys, you will probably find an extremely sensitive, caring woman, who just doesn't know what the f*ck to do anymore.

Is there more? Do you guys have a brochure somewhere I can get my hands on?

Yes yes, I know you guys supposedly only think about one thing, and given any opportunity you are going to take it, chance it, see what happens. But for crying out loud, is there nothing more to you? If there is, it would be really nice to see it every once in a while.

Whatever happened to wooing? Whatever happened to actually holding hands and kissing and actually being nice to one another?
Everyone is such a player these days, including women, too much choice.
Like shopping in a catalogue or off a conveyor belt.
You don't even need to care about anyone anymore. You have your friends, you don't need more friends. You are out looking for the easy uncomplicated night, or nights. All these online dating services prove just that point. Have you ever checked them out??? It is worse than a bar.

At least in person you can get a "vibe", some kind of connection. You are more likely to be a bit more gentle with someone when you have to talk face to face....online or texting/email? You can do and say whatever you want.
It is almost like the other person isn't a human being at all, just a hot pic and nice abs/tits...or worse, in the case of texting, and you don't even need to answer them. Maybe I am too sensitive, maybe I have my expectations set too high.
Since when, though, is a little bit of compassion, a little bit of decency setting the bar too high?

I am no prude, trust me, definitely not. And when the time is right in a relationship, I can be just as horny as the next guy...
if not more.
I just so much want to be treated nicely, and to treat someone else nicely that it gets so frustrating when all people are doing these days is going for the disposable. Well, I am not disposable. Nor will I ever be.

An intense, slightly bitter, definitely nutty - yet still a fun, caring, sexy, sensitive woman.
Definitely. So go easy.
My heart still breaks. Does yours? or have you all become so desensitized that you have convinced yourself it doesn’t matter anymore…