Control Issues

There are two different types of control freaks, especially when it comes to personal relationships.

The first is the type that needs to control everything in order to keep from losing it. They must have everything in front of them, know it, know where it is, push it pull it touch it feel it smell it hover over it and watch it, just in case it tries to go away. If it tries to go away, it pulls it closer so it can’t leave as easily, if at all.

The second is the type that controls everything to the extent that it pushes everything to a safe arms distance away. If they have it too close, they might lose it and only have themselves to blame, so it is easier to control things to such and extent that they never let anything come too close. Close equals pain. The further something is, the easier it is to walk away if it starts to hurt too much. They can’t handle the blame or accountability, it hurts too much to try and fail.

Both are insecure, both are afraid of losing things. But the first is afraid of losing everything and the second is afraid of having everything.

The first is women in most cases the second is men.

Men have to appear to never feel it, never get too close to it, never really know it.

Women must have control over it, so it doesn’t have control over them, so that they can be sure that no one will abandon them,

Actually in both cases, they are afraid of being abandoned. 

Left, brokenhearted and not had any control over it.

But that is what great relationships are all about, neither needing to have control, because you know that it is only when you are afraid of something in the relationship or yourself that you must have control over it. 

The fear of being abandoned is firmly ingrained in a lot of us.

I won’t get into the psychology of it; I am definitely NOT qualified for that.

But suffice to say, I believe that we are all so terrified of so many things these days.

Mostly ourselves. We distrust our own feelings and judgment to the point that we can never be too sure. Constantly testing, constantly attempting to control our situations.

This fear can manifest in a million different ways, but in relationships it causes a lot of confusion and pain. People are misunderstood, women considered 'nags' and 'needy' and men appear to be 'distant' and 'emotionally unavailable'.

This is all based in fear. All based in insecurity. 

So when do you know you have to cut bait? When does this fear get to the point that there is no possibility of a healthy relationship that can exist from this current manifestation?

If you both decide to stick with it, work out your problems, first thing that has to happen is with you, alone.

You have to figure out what it is that you are afraid of, what makes you feel insecure and so terrified of abandonment.

Then and only then, you can come back together to discuss it, honestly and openly.

Hell write it all down if you have to. Let him read it.

But be present. 

Unfortunately these days, most people read the above and say 'pfffft, forget that, why would I want to do that, it isn't worth it'. Fine, then bail, but do it together and be grown ups about it. Have respect for each other most importantly. Don't just disappear in the night leaving unanswered questions and 'what if's'.

Look at it this way, even if you don't find the answers to the issues in this relationship doing this 'homework' on yourself can only lead to good for your next relationship.

You will know your triggers, your touchy points, your insecurities.

And most importantly you can learn to make peace with all of your nasty little skeletons and give up a bit of that grip of control that you need.

Case in point. Let's say you are seeing this guy, it's all good, you are having fun, dating each other exclusively (to the point that you get invited to things as a couple).

Suddenly, he says he is going to stay in one night, or something similar (buddies, poker, etc). 

Be honest, what is the first thing that happens in your psyche? 

Big old alarm bells right? You panic, you blurt out:

'Why?'

'What's wrong?'

'But, but, I wanted to see you tonight' (you whine)

'Fine. Whatever. Talk to you later'. click. (passive aggressive's actually have the most control issues, btw)

What's wrong with this? The questions? No, cause sometimes it's good to ask them. But is it warranted? This feeling of anxiety and panic?

You have lost control right? That is all that reaction is. That anger, that f.i.n.e. word.

So what do you do. Try next time this happens to just chilllllllll.

Say this instead. Take a big big deep mental breath first...

'Really, ok, well I WAS looking forward to seeing you tonight, but that's cool. I'm still going to go, but I will talk to you tomorrow'. Don't pretend to be 'fine'. Don't get all worked up either though. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Can you really change anything anyway? Sure, whining works, but do you really want him there if he doesn't want to be? Think about any time this has happened. You ended up arguing or having a lousy time right?

So, give him his space (and vice versa if situations are reversed here).

You can't control another person. Especially not their feelings.

So stop trying. Control your own reactions and thought processes.

Only then will you make peace with your own judgments, and learn to trust yourself again. With or without him.