Wanted: Wild men. Only selected applicants will be contacted.

Remember that line from SATC, when Carries says:

'I thought I was looking for someone to tame me, when now I realise that I just want someone wild to run with'...

Well, I've started to realise the same.

All this time I have thought that I could tame, and be tamed.

When fact of the matter is, I want to run wild with someone.

I have been fighting nature for years now, and it has caused me immense grief.

I am not talking about chucking it all to go get drunk and crazy every night.

I am talking about being true to myself, and what I want.

I want someone who wants to, enjoys, lives for the silly things in life.

Who would love nothing more than spur of the moment:

'hey let's go down the street and check out that band'

'let's go to Tahiti next week'

'Heyyyyy, let's go have sex in the backyard...of the neighbour's house'

'call in sick...wink wink'

' let's call everyone and have a party this weekend'

'hey, wanna go for a walk? in Paris?'

and even on occasion, just be damn lazy together. someone who will ask me if I am wearing any panties while we are out, and maybe I am or maybe I'm not. someone who will come up behind me and kiss my neck. someone who will love the way I look at them, and vice versa.

someone who will leave me alone when I want to be left alone, and vice versa.

he confuses, confounds, amazes, perplexes, frustrates, excites, entices, angers and comforts me. who loves me as much for who I am as for what I am not. someone who would be just as happy living in a tent with me as a suburban 3 bdrm with a double car garage. he doesn't need to have a car. doesn't need to have money. doesn't need to have anything. I just want him.

someone who will never expect me to be perfect.

and most definitely vice versa.

Call it drama. Call it whatever you want.

But simple fact of the matter is that this is what I always seem to gravitate towards.

The type of men I  am attracted to.  And I think, it's the reason they are attracted to me.

The rougher type. The slightly off kilter type. The quirky guys. The slightly dangerous guys.

The troubled type.

The Wild Men.

The problem is when I allow my doubts, my fears about not having security and stability, not having 'perfection' to get in the way. Well that is when it all fucks up.

I have been under the misconception that what should be 'normal' is what I should have.

Fuck normal.

I would rather live out the rest of my life in a relationship that makes me happy. The real me happy. I would trade all the stability in the world to be with the one person that could even make that happen for a short time.

I have been grasping at stability and normality my whole life.

And my whole life I have felt something was 'off' and 'wrong' because I didn't have it.

You know why? Because deep down, waaaaaay deep down, I don't give a ratz about it.

Of course,  I don't want to live in a cardboard box, and no, I don't want to struggle financially for the rest of my days. That isn't what I mean by stability.

There are no certainties in life. None.

And part of being a worry wart/anxiety freakshow is the not knowing kills you.

Not knowing what might happen tomorrow causes me such stress. 

But isn't it supposed to be a surprise?

What if you knew everything right this second.

You knew what you were going to have for dinner next week, where you would go on vacation next year, what sex your next child was before you even conceived.

What if you knew the exact moment that your bf would call. Or you would get a promotion.

All these things. If we knew, what the hell would be the point?

I want to be kept on my toes.

I want to run wild. 

Signs, Sweet Charity...and Pay Attention You Dumb Bitch!

Ok. Now, for those who know me,
they know that I am by no means a religious person.

Not even close.
Unless you count me in the Sweet Charity view on religion...

Vittorio- So you are saying that Love is your religion?
Charity- I dunno, but I sure go to 'church' a lot


So imagine my surprise today when I met my Guardian Angel.
Yup. I did. Well, ok, she was the most amazing sweet beautiful 81 yr old lady.
And she sure as hell couldn't have picked me to talk to at a more opportune time.

Here's the scenario:
Waiting for a bus in bumbugger nowhere. This little bit of a lady comes over and asks me
for a smoke, offers to buy one off me. 25 cents. I laughed, and said 'no way are you paying me ma'am...' and I handed her one. After about 5 minutes of trying to light it for her in what could only be described as the winds of Hades that whipped through this backwater hell, we got to chatting....

81, come August. Been widowed 23 yrs, but keeps the house up all by herself.
Spry as a kiddie, and smiling like crazy.
Diagnosed with Cancer last year.
Was given 6 months tops. Last year.

Know what was the first thing she told the nurse?
'I'm going to take up smoking again'...she laughed so hard when she told me this.
The way she looked at it is like this (her words exactly):

'I have been lucky enough to be here for 81 yrs. I have had such a great run. So much fun, so much love, so much laughter. I get up every day, rain shine or snow, and meet my friends at the mall for a coffee and a little shopping. I have beautiful children and grandchildren. Why the hell shouldn't I do whatever I want to? Why shouldn't we all?'

I was dumbfounded.
She had such a beautiful, positive vibe about her that I was so drawn in.
Clear green eyes, sparkly and mischievous. (Green eyes are the most sparkly and mischievous btw...lol...). I was enthralled! She was so sweet and warm. Just lovely!

So we share our respective smokes. Enjoying every last evil puff.
The bus pulls up and we get on. She says 'have a lovely day dear' and sits down.
I wasn't done with her yet! lol. And I told her so!
I sat beside her and we continued to chat.
She asked my name, and I asked hers "Flo" she said.
'Oh as in Florence?' I enquired?
She giggled (seriously, full on school girl) 'No no, it's short for Florida, my parent's were a bit nuts'...we both laughed.
She showed me some wool that she had gotten on sale, so of course, we talked crafty crap for a mo or two.

Then suddenly, she turns to me, with this look in her eyes that can only be described as 'pure earnest' and said
'Most important thing to remember, please remember this dear, is to laugh, is to smile, life is funny, even in the bad times, and if you can remember to do that, well you will never feel alone and you will never feel sad'

I just about lost it. Seriously lost it.
I felt like she had just looked right inside me.
I felt so awed. I can't describe it.
I couldn't say a word. She knew nothing about me, my life, what I have been going through.
None of it.
How did she know that those words were EXACTLY the words I needed to hear?
My eyes were filled with tears, not sad ones, humble ones.

It was her stop, and she went to get off and said
'I will remember you, and next time I see you I will bring my cigarettes and give you one!'...
And poof, like that, my Guardian Angel disappeared.

And I was left smiling with big fat tears, the kind you had when you were 3, perched ready to roll...

All the self help books in the world, all the over analyzing, all the talk talk talk, and all it took was one sweet, wise, smoking granny to make me finally get it. Hopefully it sticks.

Further to the surrealness of my day.
Well, I saw him.
Him. My ex. I haven't seen him in 2 years.
Every day for the past 7 years he has been in my presence, thoughts, dreams...I thought I was going to be with him forever. He Was The One.
But.
It ended badly. Very badly.
I heard I would see him today.
And you know what? I thought of my Angel, Florida.
I turned the anxiety I felt around. I said hello to it, then said, but you know what stupidhead anxiety???

It will be really nice to see him. And I kept that thought.

And you know what?
It really was nice to see him.
It wasn't painful. It wasn't gut wrenching.
It wasn't hard.
A bit nerve wracking, but manageable.
I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to run.
I didn't want to yell.

Did seeing him make me miss him? Sure, only natural.
Did thoughts of 'what if' cross my mind? Of course, again, natural.

But, I didn't think of all of these worries when I saw him, all I honestly thought was
'Wow, it is really nice to see him again'.
Honest.
And I left the day with a smile on my face.
And thankful for having spent my day with two beautiful people who were meant
to come into this life to teach me something, if I would just pay attention.

xxoo