Wanted: Wild men. Only selected applicants will be contacted.

Remember that line from SATC, when Carries says:

'I thought I was looking for someone to tame me, when now I realise that I just want someone wild to run with'...

Well, I've started to realise the same.

All this time I have thought that I could tame, and be tamed.

When fact of the matter is, I want to run wild with someone.

I have been fighting nature for years now, and it has caused me immense grief.

I am not talking about chucking it all to go get drunk and crazy every night.

I am talking about being true to myself, and what I want.

I want someone who wants to, enjoys, lives for the silly things in life.

Who would love nothing more than spur of the moment:

'hey let's go down the street and check out that band'

'let's go to Tahiti next week'

'Heyyyyy, let's go have sex in the backyard...of the neighbour's house'

'call in sick...wink wink'

' let's call everyone and have a party this weekend'

'hey, wanna go for a walk? in Paris?'

and even on occasion, just be damn lazy together. someone who will ask me if I am wearing any panties while we are out, and maybe I am or maybe I'm not. someone who will come up behind me and kiss my neck. someone who will love the way I look at them, and vice versa.

someone who will leave me alone when I want to be left alone, and vice versa.

he confuses, confounds, amazes, perplexes, frustrates, excites, entices, angers and comforts me. who loves me as much for who I am as for what I am not. someone who would be just as happy living in a tent with me as a suburban 3 bdrm with a double car garage. he doesn't need to have a car. doesn't need to have money. doesn't need to have anything. I just want him.

someone who will never expect me to be perfect.

and most definitely vice versa.

Call it drama. Call it whatever you want.

But simple fact of the matter is that this is what I always seem to gravitate towards.

The type of men I  am attracted to.  And I think, it's the reason they are attracted to me.

The rougher type. The slightly off kilter type. The quirky guys. The slightly dangerous guys.

The troubled type.

The Wild Men.

The problem is when I allow my doubts, my fears about not having security and stability, not having 'perfection' to get in the way. Well that is when it all fucks up.

I have been under the misconception that what should be 'normal' is what I should have.

Fuck normal.

I would rather live out the rest of my life in a relationship that makes me happy. The real me happy. I would trade all the stability in the world to be with the one person that could even make that happen for a short time.

I have been grasping at stability and normality my whole life.

And my whole life I have felt something was 'off' and 'wrong' because I didn't have it.

You know why? Because deep down, waaaaaay deep down, I don't give a ratz about it.

Of course,  I don't want to live in a cardboard box, and no, I don't want to struggle financially for the rest of my days. That isn't what I mean by stability.

There are no certainties in life. None.

And part of being a worry wart/anxiety freakshow is the not knowing kills you.

Not knowing what might happen tomorrow causes me such stress. 

But isn't it supposed to be a surprise?

What if you knew everything right this second.

You knew what you were going to have for dinner next week, where you would go on vacation next year, what sex your next child was before you even conceived.

What if you knew the exact moment that your bf would call. Or you would get a promotion.

All these things. If we knew, what the hell would be the point?

I want to be kept on my toes.

I want to run wild.