Women are crazy and men are stupid. The reason women are crazy is because men are so stupid...

Or are they.
Are they really the 'enemy'?
Truly at fault for all of our pain, anguish...and yes, crazy?

Some of it, hell ya, most of it, nope.

I have a news flash for you.
Men. Are human.
Yup, you heard it here first.

They cry, they hurt, they feel, they mess up, they smile, they laugh, they fight, they love.
Just like us.
Only differently.
The old mars-venus thing.

We seem to have lost touch with our innate differences, and we somehow expect men to react
and behave the way WE would react and behave as women. Recipe for disaster. Especially since these days we really have problems figuring out WHAT to think.

Do you think our Grandmothers sat there freaking out because a boy didn't call when he said he would?
Ask your Gram. I know what mine would say, 'well he is probably busy, he will call when he can'.
Perfect common sense, and probably true. If you ask a male friend his opinion of the same situation, he would say the same. Right? 'prob busy, i'm sure he'll call when he can'

Ask a gf? 'what? but didn't he say he would call? what a jerk, you deserve better'...

Now, have our expectations of men to behave in such a way as to never disappoint us, never mess up and definitely never make us cry caused a bit of a tightrope performance for them?
Imagine the pressure, if you will, of having those expectations on you in order to have someone sleep with you/like you/love you/smile at you. 

Hell ya, they should work for it. But not bleed for it.

Play hard to get, not impossible to be with.

As women, we don't really instinctively understand these things anymore.
We get wound up over the slightest slight.
We forget.
We forget that we inherently know that by nature, men just don't go around nurturing their relationships in the same way
we do. Not that they don't, or do it badly, they just do it differently.

How many times have you said 'But it's so perfect when we are alone together, but then I don't see him for a week and I freak out and he doesn't call/email/text when he says he will'...
What is more important to you?
That your man loves and respects you when he is with you? or that he calls at precisely 8:45 pm on Tuesday.

I know you are probably saying that it's inconsiderate, that I am letting guys off the hook.
I'm not, trust me. But, I think we need a bit of a reality check.
We are giving them too much power over our happiness.
Think about it. Generations ago, when couples were separated for months at a time 

(war, farming, hunting, gathering..)
all they had was perhaps a letter a week/month. Did people give up on each other? No.
Of course now we can communicate 24/7 if we choose to. But.
Have people's natural instincts and though patterns changed? Have men and women as animals changed?  I don't believe so.

Those inherent differences were there 20/200/2000 yrs ago just as they are today.
Only the wrapping (society) has changed. The expectations have changed.
We expect nothing but the best for ourselves and from our men.
We should want to be content and have a good life.

But, is it fair or reasonable to expect/demand it all?
Have people stopped breaking each others hearts?
Have men stopped cheating? No, and now women do it too, just as often.
Do we understand each other any better?
Nope. So. What's going on?

Times have changed drastically since WWII. I think this was a huge turning point.
Women's place in society has changed, shifted, turned itself end to end a few times.
From the 50's housewife to the powersuit 80's to the political candidates and r+b singers buying themselves their own bling...
But are we any the wiser?

Look at Elizabeth Taylor, Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe....beautiful, smart, tragic, flawed, independent...but they never ceased to feel the need to 'connect' with a man (sometimes more than a few times)...and they are seen as weak for this. Flawed for needing/wanting a man.

But is it weak? Or is it natural.

Are our expectations fighting our natural needs, wants, desires and dammit, womanliness...

The 'Patient, Long Suffering' wives/women of our past have made us into 'Impatient, Short Suffering' wives/women of today.
No, I am not saying that I want a return to the kitchen. Although I do have a thing for 50's clothes...but for dancing, not vacuuming.
I am talking bigger picture.
Our perceptions of what we feel is owed to us, what we expect from our lives, what we expect from others and society in general. It's quite amazing really.

In all of our talk about equality, power and fairness, have we been fair to ourselves really? And men?
We have given them even more power now over us then they ever have.
And in turn put more pressure on them to measure up.
Are they really that responsible for our every feeling, how our day might turn out or whether or not we will be happy?
The way some of us talk, you would think so. And you know what, it's normal.
It is natural and human to want to connect and share a life.

It's not a weakness.

But I am not seeing much sharing.
I am seeing a lot of taking. On both sides.
Without giving anything back. Or one gives, the other takes.
Or instant gratification. It's easy isn't it. I've done it. No muss, no fuss, no commitment, no emotional bs.

What I want is for women to get back to what we have seem to have lost.
Our inherent beauty, our gift, the thing that makes us who we are and why men can't and wouldn't want to be without us. And something we should be proud of and not ashamed of, or feel that we are being 'played' because we nurture this in ourselves...

it's the one thing that all great women throughout history have had that we seem to be lacking.

It's Knowing. Just Knowing.

Lessons...

More thinking, ya, as if that was possible, about why I tend to get myself so riled up.

So upset, so spun, just sooooo...well, distrusting, of myself and perhaps others.

I think this latest thing to happen in my life is a prime example.

I am repeating the same lessons until I actually learn something from it.

Instant Karma thing...

Fact of the matter is, no matter what negative things I read, hear or see and no matter what positive things I read, hear or see, well, I am the only one who has to live with me. 

And my decisions, and my reactions.

There are many out there who would call me a fool (for many many reasons...lol). There are many who consider me tough (not quite sure why, but hey, it's what I am putting out there so my bad for making it so).

Basically there is an opinion to corroborate whatever line of thinking you choose. And whatever mood you are in.

The internet, Google, you can search ANYTHING.

Have a wart? OMG it might be cancer.

Have a bf who doesn't call? OMG he is fucking around.

Mother torments you? OMG you have to tell her off.

You understand my drift here?

But, your mood, your thoughts, your actions, are only yours.

We ALL have doubts occasionally.

WE ALL need people around us that we can go to for a good vent, or to remind us of why we chose the path we did.

But WE ALL need to just stop, and believe.

BELIEVE in yourself. Your gut. 

There is no right answer. There is no wrong answer.

There is only YOUR answer.

Make your decisions, based on your knowledge of right and wrong and just and fair.

Then live with them, embrace them, stick to them.

Integrity, loyality and trust are so so rare these days.

Everyone seems to want to be a cynic. They want to tell you you are fucking up. I am not sure why, why some people get this joy out of always assuming the worst of you. Of your decisions. But seriously, if you are the type of person who likes to rain on other people's parades, might I just say 'Shut the FUCK up'. 

It is hard enough these days to make a decision and stick to it, we are all so damn insecure, we really don't need friends making us feel more so. 

So try to shut out the negativity. 

Just because you are a pessimist it doesn't make it any more real than optimism. It's a 50/50.

Of course pessimists call themselves 'realists'...holy crap is that ever bullfuckingshit.

It's just as real that things could go well. 

They could go badly, of course, but telling someone that will pretty much make it so.

Manifest destiny and all.

So, be kind, be there, be nice.

BUT.

Keep your crap to yourself. 

I have enough of my own crap to deal with...tyvm.

Remember...if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything at all, asshole.

(sorry for the potty mouth tonight, but I just felt like gettin' my curse on...)

xo

Space...Cheekie's final frontier

Space.

It can mean many things.

Outer space, office space, loft space, myspace....

but is there any other word when dealing with relationships that invokes more fear,

more paranoia or more insecurity then that one little word?

'Just please give me space'

'I need some space'

etc.

We have all heard it.

Some of us have even said it.

There are many reasons to need it.

There are many excuses that get covered up by it.

Cowards use it to avoid situations, confused people use it to figure things out, and sometimes, well, you just need it.

Maybe there are things you have to deal with, physically, emotionally.

You could be in a really rough place at work, and need to focus, and in order to do so you have to have space to deal with it properly.

Emotionally speaking, sometimes people need to step back, figure out what they want.

This is especially true if you have had bad luck in relationships before and are trying to change that. You need to focus on you and not get swept up too readily. 

And sometimes, people have a really hard time breaking concentration from a priority.

Be it children, money woes, etc.

These people need the space to hunker down and deal with the big life issues at hand, without distraction, without having to worry about someone else. Temporarily. So space is a necessity.

So, what do you do when you are asked to give space?

Natural reaction is a defensive one. Natural reaction is to take it personally.

Freak out. Doubt. Feel insecure. Think all kinds of horrible things.

Even if you have nothing to base it on, you suddenly think negatively.

You could have been reassured to the nth degree that it has nothing to do with you at all, but you don't hear it.

How's that working out for you?

Sounds familiar doesn't it?

I've done it. The freaking. The panic. 

The constant and repeated phone calls asking 'why?', which of course is an invasion of space and completely counter-productive to the request.

I have also asked for space, been on the other side, and I know how it feels to be mistrusted, to be accused, to be the one having to reassure someone - someone who you care about a lot, someone you have no intention of losing, someone who you wish would respect you.

Of course, what's the alternative?

Give them the space.

It's really the only option.

If you force the issue, you can pretty much garuntee that it won't end well.

Either they will be manipulated by your pleas, which will leave them resentful - not healthy.

Or, they will run. Like the wind. As far away from you as possible.

Giving someone the space they need, the space they request is the most respectful, caring, loving thing you can do.

Of course, this runs against my natural instinct to hunt them down with assorted weaponry.

But. I am growing up.

I am learning from my past mistakes.

I have never done this before, to be honest.

And you know what?

It doesn't feel that bad.

It feels a hell of a lot better knowing that someone I care about knows that I care enough and respect enough to honour their wishes.

And to know, in my heart, that it isn't because of me. It isn't because they don't care. It isn't because they don't want me. I am not being lied to. I am not being 'abandoned'. 

I am not being made a fool.

Only I can do that to me. No one else can make me feel small.

If I even thought, really thought, for one second that I was being mistreated in any way shape or form, of course I would not be this patient, understanding, goddess before you. :-)

So, I am being a bigger person.

In my heart.

And you know what?

I got the reassurances. 

I didn't even have to ask, or whine, or wheedle them out.

I have already received more caring and acceptance from him than many others in my life.

It's my turn.

If you want respect and trust from another person, you have to be willing to give it too.

This is huge for me.

You have no idea.

Really. You don't.

Ok, some of you do...lol.

That's the funny thing about belief.

It's easy to believe when everything is rosy and good.

But real belief comes from maintaining it even when things aren't.

What other choice do you have really.

If you decide to disbelieve, you will not only drive yourself batty, but pretty much drive the other person away. Jadedness and bitterness are just a hairsbreath away.

With believing, even if things don't work, you know that you did the right thing.

You know that you will always respect yourself for it.

And so will the other person.

And who knows? 

The future, my dears, is unwritten.

But every good writer knows, you have to have an outline of how you would like your story to go.

Now, to find a cute spacesuit....

xoxo