Cheekie Says No...

Alert the Press, Cheekie is Saying No.


One whole month.
30 days.
As of right this second, 10:33pm EST, August 19th, 2008.
Until September 19th, 2008...perhaps at 10:33pm or not.

No sex.
That's right, you heard me.
No s-e-x.

Ok ok, some of you might be laughing, smirking or thinking 'a month? that's it? I do that all the time, hell I can do 3 months standing on my head'.
This might be the case for you, but not for me. One month is a long time in this girl's world.

Let me clarify. No sex means no sex. No groping, petting, oral, anything. Nada.
Heck, maybe even no kissing, cause for me well that's like putting a Baskin Robbins next to a Jenny Craig. Impossible to resist, especially if you get that free spoonful tester. Hell, I'm even going to put the batteries back in the remote controls I stole them from. (those things run out at the worst possible times).
I just might have to avert my eyes when Jason Statham's latest movie trailer comes on though...he's doing chin ups...in prison...you can see his shirtless rippling back...sigh. Tough, gonna be tough.

What has brought this on? Well, some recent developments in my life mainly.
I have come to the realization that even though I am fully aware that I am not liked for sex alone, and I am definitely not a booty call kinda girl, I still allow it to cloud my judgement.
I have allowed a certain amount of chemistry, albeit genuine, to fog my lenses.
It has become almost my M.O. My friends all know it, joke about it. My family knows it. My father even said 'Ya, we tend to run a little 'higher' than most people'...it's genetic. There's nothing wrong with that, mind you, most of my boyfriends and I have been very happy with this particular dna anomaly.
I just plain really really enjoy it. Every single little bit of it.
But it can't be my raison d'être.

This isn't about denying anyone, including myself, it is about clearing my head.
It's about knowing that it isn't what I am all about.
(although, it's one of the most fun parts...)
It's about knowing in my heart that I am wanted for more, because, no matter how much you are told to the contrary, no matter how much you actually try to believe it, sometimes you just don't believe it.
I don't want to feel like that.
So my remedy is to remove the issue, even temporarily.
See what happens.

If, by chance, the opportunity presents itself, and,
if, by chance, the certain someone I might have a hard time resisting presents himself,
well, I have made a promise to me.
If it doesn't fly, or if I am given a hard time, then
I will know for sure. No bullshit, no two ways about it.
And I am not going to run around proclaiming myself temporarily celibate.
In fact, I probably won't tell anyone. Including said irresistible person.

See, I don't think that my issue might actually be the sex part.
I think it is the fact that I derive so much comfort, so much happiness and contentment waking up in a particular place, that is what gets me thinking there is more than what there is. For me, it's the mere fact that I sleep better, feel so good, just being there. Even though I know that said person doesn't think of me as just that, I'm sure of it, it's that I don't think I'm not just that. I have to get over it.
It might take more than a month, but if I can gain a little bit of more self assuredness this month, it will be worth it. This has nothing to do with him/them, it's about ME.

So. No sex equals no delusions caused by cuddle.
My head has been muddled lately. Confused and a little disappointed. Unsure and insecure. Then oddly sure, calm, knowing. It's too much. Just when I think I have it sussed, bam, well 'something' happens to disrupt that. And that something is that 'connection', the one that 'disconnects' just as quickly.
I need to make some space.
I am thinking too much. It is what it is, and I am convoluting it all and I don't want any, ANY distractions from the mental clear-cutting that needs to take place.
Spend lots of time reading, hanging out with kiddo before he goes back to school and the summer is gone, hunkering down and working hard at my new job, getting MY life together, having fun with friends, you know....LIFE! Living! No pressure, no bullshit, no confusion, no hidden agenda - even on my part (I have to recognize I do that too).
Clear it out.

And, I am going to attempt to keep a diary of sorts. And my 'don't break the chain' calendar.
See if I come to any revelations. See if anything happens, good and bad, during this time.
Then a month from now, I will see how it has all played out.
It might not make a lick of difference, but I think it's a good start.
And who knows, I might just decide to make it two months...
**ahem, you can stop laughing now, thank you ;-)**

xo
Cheekie