Cheekie BackTalk

So,
Here I sit, brokenhearted, paid a quid and only....
naaaaaaaa

Not brokenhearted. What is the term? On the tip of my tongue here...wait for it, it'll come...

Have any of you ever experienced a bad set of circumstances in the 'love' dept?
You know, not necessarily bad chemistry or lack of intent, but more things beyond your control???
ie. distance, head space, timing...

It seems to be my lot in life.
I have met so many incredible guys, really. But things just seem to not work for logistics reasons.
Right now? It's distance.

Distance can mean many things. Of course there is the actual physical distance. 3000 miles is a long way and many many dollars for phone calls.

Then there is mental distance. When one party isn't ready for the mental and emotional toll that a relationship can take.
It is a hard thing to deal with, especially if you really do like each other.
A lot of times, people get scared by relationships. The responsibility for another person's 'happiness', their well being, their expectations...it is a lot to wrap your head around.
And frankly, not many of us are prepared for it. We are all rather self indulgent these days. Not bad people by any means, but we just don't have the skills to really deal with interpersonal relationships that well.

Some guys are afraid of not measuring up. Some are afraid of losing themselves in a relationship. Some are just plain afraid of being accountable, cause as a single dude you really don't have to be at all. Women tend to have the 'accountability' voice ingrained firmly. We don't tend to go for a pint midday, or play video games till 3am when we have to be up at 6.
It is just how we are built. If a guy isn't at his peak, mentally, financially, emotionally...all the chemistry and good intentions go to the wayside. It doesn't matter how much you like each other, basically they will feel incapable of anything until they reach a certain level they have set for themselves.

This differs from person to person, and by no means am I generalizing here. But all in all, most guys don't do things like propose or move in with someone until they feel capable of providing. Men must provide. That is their ingrained modus operandi. That is what they do.

Women, we nurture. Like it or not. We do. We nurture our friends, our colleagues and especially our men.
Men do not want the nurture if they cannot provide their end of the bargain. They need to feel like 'men'.

You know what? I like that.
I am a strong, independent woman, but I want someone to take care of me, because- I WANT to be able to take care of them too.


So, that is one kind of distance, the other is physical. And just as difficult.
Although, more solution oriented. It is hard, damn hard, when you want someone who is so far away you can't even get phone calls down due to time difference. Oh ya, there is email etc. But that isn't the same.
You need contact. You need touch. You start to miss them so much that it physically hurts.
And all you want to and need to know is that they feel the same.

And when they do? It is even more heartbreaking. Knowing there is someone out there that you want and can't be with. And not only that, but they miss you and want you too???
Ultimate irony. You finally meet someone that you want to get to know, on a 'forever' level, and you can't get to know them in the way that you want to. What do you do? Really. What is the solution?
You can't just pack up your life and move a million miles away for someone you barely know. Nor can you ever sustain a relationship where you might get to see each other twice a year. Unreasonable.
So, do you pine? Do you wait? Do you move on? Do you hold out hope that maybe one day???

Love is the best gift that we as humans have ever received.
To deny yourself for whatever 'distance' reason is a shame.
A real shame.


But what's a girl to do?

I believe I found the term.
Disheartened.