Anger Miss Management...

Well. I did it again. Got myself out of control.
LET myself get out of control.

Feel absolutely, ridiculously horrible for it.
Granted, I did have a right to be pissed off, but you know what?
The only one I have to blame for how I am feeling and how I (over)reacted is me.

I am the only one in control of me.
So. It's only up to me. All up to me.


I can't keep blaming others for getting me 'wound up'.
I can't keep blaming 'a few too many' on the way I mishandle situations.
You know why? Because I am the only one who has to live with myself after.
And right now I feel horrible, and am paying the price for it. Big time.

I just don't understand completely. How it is that I let myself go from 'fine and relaxed' to 'wound up and crazy'. It just seems to happen so quickly.
But I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, probably more than I should, and I think back over these incidents and see the pattern.
The scariest part is that I almost 'black out' when that switch is flipped and I can't quite remember the transition.

Which scares the crap out of me.
It really does.

The biggest problem is that it feeds upon itself.
Once it happens it starts to happen more and more regularly. And with more and more intensity.

Why am I so angry?
I'm sure there is a whole big psychoanalytical bullshit statement I could find.
Insecurity, a feeling of powerlessness...blah blah.
But it doesn't really matter.
We are all angry for one reason or another, and we can all find reasons in our past to be angry.

It doesn't excuse the disgusting behaviour.
It doesn't excuse making my friends, and people I truly do care about, feel like they have done something wrong.
It doesn't excuse the way I feel the next day.

I am by nature a pretty intense person. This much I know, and that much won't change.
If you met me in person, you would probably never guess that I have this switch in me.
You might think that I am a bit intense, or as I sometimes prefer to call it 'passionate'.
I think that is part of the problem. I am generally a really fun, easy going person.
And part of the pain that I cause is because of the suddenness of these outbursts.
It is unexpected, and it's like a bomb that goes off, putting shrapnel into anyone within earshot.
And I am sick and tired of hurting those around me...they're just innocent civilians walking through my mine field.

I am not being too hard on myself here, I am being 100% honest.
This last one has really cut me hard. And I may have lost a lot due to it.
Whether or not it was worth losing remains to be seen. All I know is that
my reactions did not help the situation any.

The worst part? When I needed a friend, badly, to talk to about it, to ask for help...well, no one answered.

They are sick of it.
And so am I.
It's gotten to the point where there are some people who think I am crazy.
I know I should embrace my crazy, but not this kind.
Because it isn't true. The rest of my crazy is a good kind of crazy.
You know, the girl who will suddenly decide to dye her hair red, or drag you outside to run around in the rain, or get an impulse to jump on the kiddie swings.
Or dance by herself at a club when no one else will dance.
Or grab your bum when everyone is looking.


How do I fix this?
How do I repair anything...I am feeling really powerless now.
The very feeling that gets me into this mess is the one that comes back tenfold afterwards.

It's funny, and not in the haha way, all I want to do is run to my friends and hug them and apologise. That angry girl isn't me.
She really isn't.
She is part of me, but not the whole me.
She is trying to take over, but she will find that she is the only one left.

Alone.

I am in a really not great place right now.
I feel sad, very very sad, and very very alone.
She is starting to win, and since the rest of me isn't angry, I don't know how to fight her off.

So what do I do?
Other than sit here crying and feeling like shit.
Which we all know solves nada.

But right now, it's all I can do.

So, to all my friends, and my family, and everyone that has a bit of shrapnel still lodged in them somewhere,
I am truly truly sorry. I love you all and the last thing I ever intended was to hurt anyone. Ever.
I wish I had the right words, I wish I knew exactly how to make it better.
I wish I had a time machine and I could go back and fix everything, before it happened.
But I don't, but I can't.

And that's why I sit here, alone and crying.
And it sucks...