Staring down the lion's throat...or polar bear...

Hello all...it's me, the artist formally known as Cheekie...well, I 'm still Cheekie, but just not feeling particularly fiesty these days.

I try to avoid getting too whiney or personal in my blog, not cause I don't want to annoy you, although that's a bit of it, truth told - I am a bit of a people pleaser.

No, it's because this is my escape and I can rant and drone on about generic problems without any personal divulging (sometimes)...I love to listen to and help other people. And sometimes emotions or thoughts that I have help others...I love that.

Well, and now I am going to share, maybe some of you have felt this way, maybe some are going to think I am a whiney little baby...fine. Regardless, here it is, in all it's ugly not-glory.

So, I have to admit that right now I am having a 'moment'. A long, long, horrible moment.

Not a great time in Cheekie-land. Too much stress, too much going on.

Overwhelmed and not sure what to do next.

Do you believe in signs? When the universe gives you a big old bitch slap and you either pay attention or keep groundhog daying it? 

I think that's what is happening with me, right now, and over the past few months.

A series of events, all kickstarted last August. The ball is now rolling right out of control and I have to decide to kick the ball or just get a new one. My foot is sore.

I have been kicking. Might be time for a new one.

What is that going to manifest as? I haven't the foggiest.

I know I am being cryptic, but I really don't want to blab on about specifics. 

B-o-r-i-n-g.

But, I am sure some of you have felt this way before. 

A string of 'bad luck'. And don't tell me you don't believe in bad luck.

If I get any comments saying 'you make your own luck' I seriously will scream. Like a little girl, loudly. 

I am sure the homeless single mom living on the streets made her own luck. 

I am sure the people diagnosed with some horrid fatal disease made their own luck.

Sometimes, you just plain have bad luck. And it procreates.

See, I am the type of person who always tries to be cheery, funny, put on a smile and keep my chin up. 

I try hard not to burden anyone, nor impose. Emotionally or materially.

Sure I have a few good friends who know that I am not as tough as all that, but for the most part, I firmly believe that others should not take the brunt of your bullshit.

Nor do I believe in holding it in, I am just selective in who hears it.

I have been trying to put my best out there to the universe, good vibes and all, for months now. It seems the universe isn't really paying attention.

Now, I can either sit and cry and feel sorry for myself , which trust me, I have and will, I am only human - but I try not to let it take over.

OR I can re-jig my plan.

Re invent myself, my life.

Catch is that, as some of you know, I have a young child. I cannot just go with whims here. Nor can I take any chances with his stability or security.

So, what do I do. 

Cause I know I cannot handle much more of this path.

I know that I cannot do it alone for much longer either. 

It's harder when you are single to deal with the blows life throws at you.

It is also very difficult when you do not have a strong family support system. Even basically a non-existent, arms length one.

I'm not whining, it's the fact of the matter, I have dealt with and come to terms with most of this. S'all good (ish).

Do I wish someone would rescue me? Carry me away and sweep me off my feet?

Fuck. Yes. 

That's about as honest as I can be.

I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes, that it's what I so badly want.

Then I wake up, alone, and know that it's up to me.

All up to me.

No pressure there. LOL.

Geez, does God have any idea the clown he has entrusted with my life? 

Fawk, I can't imagine what he was thinking putting me in charge.

Crazy man. But then again, he did create the platypus. Me and the platy on the same day prob.

Speaking of things that start with 'plat', I cannot stand the platitudes:

'Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger' bullshit. it makes us jaded, worn down, weakened, angry and resentful. who the hell is thankful for REALLY tough times? really? crap saying.

'Stiff upper lip' ya bite me. how about a nice stiff upper cut?

'Well maybe if you didn't feel so sorry for yourself' oh really? nice. thanks for the compassion and sympathy. I'll remember that one. You know. Just in case you have a shit year and need someone to talk to. Love you too, asshole. 

and my personal fave:

'It's all about Karma' oh again, really...so what you are saying is that I am a bad person and this is my payback? or are you saying that I did something bad in a past life and/or didn't learn the lesson? This is so helpful, really. Especially coming from someone texting me on their Crackberry from their Lexus. We'll see about your Karma theory soon, sweetheart.

I know, I know.

Why the hate Cheekie?

Well, right now, other than a few very special blessings (trust me, I am holding onto those for dear fucking life) I really can't see the end of this tunnel. 

So, should I dig a new tunnel? 

Would it be giving up? Or resolving and moving on.

I have always believed in steeling myself and walking right through a problem. Even with my hands over my eyes in fear. I don't walk around them, I don't go under or over.

Right bloody through. 

But I can honestly say, that for the first time in my life, 

I don't know what the hell to do.

So there.

This concludes my whine for tonight...hopefully the old Cheekie will return soon.

I kinda miss her.

xo