Gettin' Some....on the side

Cheating.
Infidelity.
Steppin' out.
Playing around.
Messing around.
Fooling around.
Bit o' stuff....

No matter what term you use, cheating on your partner, or being cheated on is one of the most contentious, heartbreaking, trust killing issues in most relationships.

Many people are affected by it. Yet how many of us actually have sat down to

try to understand it.

To really have an open mind and heart, and just observe it. Think about it.

It is something that causes an immediate reactionary response.

“Bastard” “Asshole” “Prick, I will kill him!” etc etc.

Of course, I realize that it is not only men who cheat, we women have absolutely no moral high ground on which to stand in this area, so I won't pass that kind of stereotypical crap on to you.

I will however be writing this from a female voice and perspective so just remember that whatever I say is totally equal opportunity.

I will also not name names, get into any of my personal history, nor will I pretend to be a saint in this area. While I have never cheated on a partner (honest!), I am no hypocrite, so I admit fully that yes I have been 'the other woman' more than once. Don't judge me, and I won't

judge you.

Deal? Good, now let's get on with this.

I have noticed lately that a great majority of the men that seem to be out at bars, hitting on women, chatting them up, are indeed partnered up. Married, engaged, common-law,

girlfriends etc.

I have also noticed lately at how many of the men (at least 7 out of 10 – for averages sake) that come on to me are taken.

Are all these guys evil? Mean? Players? No, actually, some are actually very nice sweet guys who frankly, seem really lonely.

Easy, I can feel your neck hairs standing up from here...just hear me out.

I am in NO way condoning this behaviour, rather I am trying to understand the reasoning.

The motive. Yes, the excuses.

So, in the interest of science, I signed up for 3 dating sites:

One was the most popular site on the web-which I shall refer to as 'A'

Two was a more eclectic site geared towards artistic people looking for freakshows like ourselves – 'B'

Three was a site geared specifically towards attached people -'C'

Results from A were less than impressive. 90% of the guys there were not upfront about their relationship status, and frankly, were just plain horndogs. The first words out of their mouth when they emailed or im'd me were sexual, and just plain rude and desperate sounding.

Results from B were rather interesting, as it has a much more accepting clientele that encourage honesty and allows you to choose a menu item stating your relationship status and what you are looking for – namely a threesome, marrieds, gay, etc etc...

A generally good site, with some very interesting, creative men, but alas, they do not have the traffic or membership numbers to make it really worthwhile. Every guy (save one or two clowns) was more than respectful and was actually more interested in getting to know me, rather than what colour panties I was wearing.

Results from C. Wow.

I never expected what I found. In one week I had over 150 emails from mainly married/attached men.

All were very upfront, yet, very very respectful. Quite nice actually. And some even had a sense of humour about the whole situation and the ridiculousness of it.

It was very private and discreet, however, it would be quite easy to join and find your spouse. Especially if you know what they 'like' as the questionnaire was very specific about what your turn-ons and wants are. So. Given my experience there, I thought I would focus on that site specifically and relay to you the info that I found.

Interestingly enough, the resounding reason in all of the men's write-up's for them being there was this, and I am quoting from a few of the profiles directly:

52, Attached Male

An attractive man looking for an open minded women who is missing sensuality and sensitivity in her life, just as I am. I am not looking to change my status, and you will be the same.

35, Attached Male

I'm an easy-going, educated guy looking for a woman with a good sense of humour for a fun, satisfying relationship! Definitely NOT looking to rearrange my life, just enhance it. I'm open to many possibilities right now. It would be great to find an attractive, confident woman in the same situation. I'm open to having an ongoing relationship with one woman, but I'm NOT interested in someone who's looking for a reason to leave her husband. Let's be honest with ourselves... we're at the point in our lives where we've invested too much to walk just away and start over, but we all crave the feeling of being young and in love again. Remember that excitement? Eagerly anticipating the next time you can see each-other... just the thought of that person makes you feel warm and smile... That's what I'm looking for. I think we all are. I feel that life is too short to deny ourselves another chance to experience it.

38, Attached Male

I'm open to just about anything if it feels right, so checking off the boxes seems a little silly. I want someone intelligent, educated and well read, someone that knows who they are and what they want. Me? I want passion and romance, I want to feel those nervy flutters in my stomach, to desire and be desired, to devour and be devoured - things long absent at home.

35, Attached Male

I enjoy life and am looking for someone for the same. Need to fill a void (adventure and excitement) that has been absent in relationship.

37, Attached Male

I have been married for 9 years and boredom has set in. I am looking for an attractive, intelligent, and humorous woman for good times and hopefully more. I am not looking to change my situation, so discretion is a must.

31, Attached Male

A woman with a similar situation. Must be married. Someone who does not want to lose theirs as much as I do not want to lose mine. One woman only. Passion, romance, and loving is what I'm after. Friendship then maybe a discreet relationship there after.

Needing that void filled. You probably remember those feelings. maybe we can get those feeling again

Ok, I believe you get the idea.

I have many more examples, these are just a few of the more eloquent and to the point ones.

Not looking to change situation. Needing void filled. Looking for excitement.

Passion.

Excitement.

I know, you women are all saying 'but I want all that too! why the hell do they have to go somewhere else for it? they just need to ask ME!'

But that isn't it, and it isn't as easy as it sounds.

You remember that feeling? The butterflies, that crazy passion that you once had for each other (assuming that you did, some people don't). Wouldn't you give anything to feel that again?

Wouldn't you give anything to feel that for your partner again?

Oh wait. No? Yes? Think about that answer very carefully.

I think the issue is two-fold.

One, we women are raised to believe that men won't marry 'bad' girls. So, we tend to deny ourselves a bit of that naughtiness in order to keep a quality, marriable guy. And sometimes we are just too damn tired to play french maid/nurse and pander to their perceived fragile egotistic needs.

Two, men don't marry sluts, right? They want the nice, beautiful, best friend of a woman. The one without too much experience, but just enough to have fun and perhaps have a few naughty nights with.

But nothing crazy. They want someone they can trust to stay with them, and an 'easy' girl might be 'easy' with other guys. Or might not be seen as the best mate, in the biblical, baby-making sense of the word.

Again, I am generalizing, I don't want any letters about you and your husbands whip collection.

Really, I don't.

The other issue is that we all want that, we do.

Sex is probably the absolute best thing we have ever figured out as humans.

The fact that we can have so much fun, with our bodies? Wow, yeehaw.

There is nothing better than the feeling of being wanted. Insecure? Maybe, but very human.

But it is a double edged sword. We still have this obsolete notion that sexual people are inferior as a lifelong mate. That they are not 'suitable'.

So, I guess in a way, these guys who don't want to change their situation really do love their spouses.

They just want some dirty, dirty fun.

With 'dirty' girls. Or women who are married that want dirty fun as well.

Where do we draw the line on what is cheating anyway?

Flirting? Porn? Going for a coffee with a member of the opposite sex and not telling our partner?

Oral sex? Intercourse? Male-female friend?

We all have differing boundaries where this is concerned.

I know myself, I cannot stand to see my attached friends flirt. But, if one of them confided in me that they were attracted to someone other than their spouse, I wouldn't be upset at all.

I would talk to them and make sure that they knew what the consequences of their attraction would be.

Trust is the issue.

And someone who flirts constantly while married/attached, gives the impression that they might be capable of more. And that is hard to deal with as a partner.

However, the trust lost by having the person you love and have given your life over to, is hard to repair.

I have many friends this has happened to.

What it boils down to is honesty.

Honesty within yourself.

Do not get married if you want to fool around. Do not pretend to have some unattainable perfect specimen as your goal for that spouse.

And try telling them about your fantasies. Try.

You owe them that, and you owe yourself that.

Be brutally honest with yourself, your needs, your desires.

Most importantly though, don't judge.

This Victorian notion of sex has to go.

Good, decent, responsible women love sex.

I know ;)

Don't judge those who wish for that excitement, passion, drama...

Try to understand it, as hard as you can.

Then go home and spank your spouse.

It just might save your relationship.....

xo

Cheekie

p.s. all hate mail is welcome, as is any mail or comment you wish to make, I would love to hear your opinions