found this posting...really rather good, and honest. spot frickin on....from this site
click on posting title above to see in all it's original glory...
this one really made me cry, and realize that I am obviously not alone...
Sometimes, I find myself thinking about the various ways men have hurt me over the years.
Sometimes, I feel like I can't bear to feel - even once more -the slightest slight. I question if I have the strength, even when I know the reward is wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, and yet again, wonderful.
I believe in love and marriage and partnership and passion and connection, and I really, truly do want it and believe it can happen. But I honestly question, sometimes, how much more my heart can take.
Sometimes, I feel like just one more pang, is too much more. I find myself thinking about the little things more than the major heartbreaks.
Because clearly, I'd rather not date another cheating narcissist. I'd rather not date another person who simply doesn't fall in love with me. I'd rather not date another person who uses me or manipulates me or tries to control me or makes me feel bad about myself. But those aren't the moments that haunt me.
The big things, I've learned to avoid, navigate, or move past.
No, I think about the guy who thinks you're fat at size 10.
Or the frat boy you believe when he says, Of Course We'd Go Out Sometime as you fool around in his dorm room.
Or the guy you like, and he doesn't like you.
The guy who kisses you like he means it, but doesn't.
The guy who thinks you're desperate.
The guy who tries to convince you you're over-the-hill because you're in your 30s.
The guy who only dates tall blonds, when you're not one.
The guy who avoids you like the plague because he isn't interested, and who seems to think you're hiding a shrine to him in your closet. (Ego issues, anyone?)
So many slight moments, but they add up over the years, don't they? It's so easy to question if it's worth it. To question, can I really try again? Can my heart really take it?
I've been a romantic my entire life, and yet sometimes, I just feel so beaten up by love. So bruised.
And I think what it comes down to how very, very much I don't want to lose the romantic part of who I am. It's something I've always valued and treasured, my belief in love.
So I brave the hurts - The big ones, and the little ones.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Couldn't have said it better myself...
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2 comments:
I loved this post! What you write speaks truly from the heart and there are many women out there that feel like you. It's a delicate balancing act between being afraid of hurt and romanticising too much. At least you brave the hurts which is more than a lot of people do. I would write more but my bambino is squawking for my attention....
Thanks nml, I wish I could take credit for expressing it so beautifully. I usually just end up ranting.
I almost don't think it is bravery though, it could quite possibly be naivete or even (god forbid) hope.
Maybe just maybe, we are more hopeful than we want to admit. We just put on this brave tough crustiness for self protection.
Imagine how great it would be if we could all drop the act? If we all lived and loved authentically?...
Hmmmm, new post topic perhaps?
cheers lady!
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