CARP

You know when you do something really dumb and regretful? 

And you promise yourself never to do it again?

Or at least control it? At least?

Perhaps you have a couple 'pops' and dance like an idiot, to your friend's embarrassment.

Or maybe you have a hair trigger temper and blow off at the slightest thing?

Do you buy things on impulse, never wear them and have them in your closet, tags and all, for years? 

We all do silly things we regret, don't we.

We all make mistakes, and sometimes, others get hurt by them, most of the time you just hurt yourself though.

Like me. Well sorta.

See, my big problem is that I have one too many and tend to get extra sensitive.

And very very very emotional. Stupid chick drunk. Can't think rationally, make an ass out of myself, that kind of stuff.

I don't sit and cry, or yell at people.

I freak out. As in the smallest slight could be said, or a situation in which I 

feel vulnerable or insecure or awkward.

I storm out. I get angry. I huff and puff.

Usually ends with me stomping off like a 5 year old whose crayon just broke.

Then there are the crazed messages and texts I will send people when I am in this state.

God, so embarrassing! 

And I ALWAYS regret it. 

There have been very few incident's where that kind of response has been warranted.

So, ya, I feel like crap today.

Absolutely horribly idiotic and freakshowish.

People think I am crazy due to it too, which is funny, cause I kinda am...but not in a bunny boiling collect finger nail clippings kind of way. 

LOL. What's normal?

We all have our quirks I guess, our foibles.

But, is this kind of thing something that makes me human?

It's one of those things that is going to end up biting me in the ass in the long run.

It already has had bad affects. 

I mean no harm whatsoever. I just lose control a bit.

And alcohol is definitely the culprit.

Not that I am a huge lush, but, after a few, if I am in a certain mood (I know I have no business drinking when I am all freaky stressed like that) I tend to get this way. 

I hate it, truly hate it.

The cause of this freakburst? It was a weird situation, a very tense situation, that I was kind of blindsided with. It was a toughie to handle, that's for sure. So, not knowing what to do, or how to handle it all, I decided to just stand and drink my beer. All of them. Which didn't help. I found myself getting more and more wound up about this situation, and it wasn't pretty.

So, of course, all hell broke loose eventually. 

I'm baking soda, and the vinegar is the booze. Pour it on, keep it lidded, and BOOM!

So, how do I stop this? 

I'm not necessarily convinced that drinking causes it. 

But, it sure as hell doesn't help....

Obviously that's step 1 in the Cheekie-Anger-Reduction-Program...CARP. lol.

Step 2- lighten the hell up. wow. I get myself spun. 

Step 3- stop listening to other people!! it's getting out of control, and I wish I could tell the person what is being said to me, just so that he would understand how it is festering and gnawing away...and by supposed 'friends' of his too. pisses me off so much. but what can I do? if I tell him, then all hell will break loose. if I don't, I am gonna break loose....ugh

Step 4- just keep trying...it's all i can do, and just pray that people will forgive me, and that they can accept that i am not perfect. close, but nope, not perfect :P

So, if any of you reading this have been victim's or innocent bystander's to my freakarsedness, apologies, sincere gigantic heartfelt ones...I wouldn't purposely hurt or upset anyone, especially those who are kind to me...and an extra special apology yet again to the one special person it upset the most...

xoxo