Belief and....baabaa

Tell me where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?

I know I could always be good, to one who'll watch over me

Although he may not be the man some girls think of as handsome,

To my heart, he carries the key...

(sorry listening to Ella as I write, but it's apropo)

ok, call me old fashioned, go ahead, do it.

I'll wait....you done yet? no????

ok.

well, yes, I am.

old school.

I love it when my chair gets pulled out, my coat put on for me...

and I love 'ladies to the inside' of the sidewalk...and the old school 'put your arm through mine' thing... *swoon*

really. god. gets me.

but, believing. well believing in what you are told.

takes trust. trust takes time.

it's hard to believe and trust isn't it?

the old school notion of girls waiting for the guys to 'come around'...

I trust my gut.

It always chooses well for me.

I am the one who messes it up.

Actually my fear, my lack of belief, well...that always messes me up.

Sometimes, you just have to let things happen, naturally.

But we are so conditioned to 'have it all' 'don't take NO for an answer''go for what you want'...

We are taught that waiting and patience equal cowtowing and complacency. 

Not so.

See, here's the thing.

I am trying, desperately, to believe.

For the first time in my life I want to change the way I think, the way I think wrongly, in order to make something work.

And I really do want it to work. With all my heart.

With all my patience and all my pride squashing waiting.

And, I want more than anything to believe.

It's hard to believe, when the littlest things happen.

A missed or non returned phone call.

A night not spent together.

You doubt.

Doubting is bad. 

See, the thing is, it takes the sum of two people.

Two people, with their own set of fears, baggage, life.

Sometimes, despite wanting something and wanting to do it right, real life creeps in.

That is when you have to be patient.

It isn't all roses and passion.

Sometimes, you have to step outside of your own pride, your own fears, and realize that 

the other person has things to deal with too. It is up to you, and only you, how you handle that.

You can indeed freak out, be indignant... 'what the hell, you said you would call'...but really.

In the long run, and I am now thinking of my life in the long term, what is it?

One day? Without a call??

Seriously.

I am trying, trying to believe.

I have felt so good, about everything. This, the possibilities, the excitement of the possible future. Just wanting to see where it goes.

I do believe.

And if by chance my gut is wrong, which I know it isn't btw, then I know that I can overcome my own set of baggage and my own  bs in order to make something work. Well, that is a big thing in and of itself.

See, pretty much everyone around me has told me that this won't work.

Told me that I am too intense, he is too volatile, flighty.

Never towards me. He would NEVER hurt me like that.

That I know for sure.

But, there is the but, I have defended and stood by him, why?

Because I believe. Because I know.

They don't know him. Hell, I don't even really know him, but one thing I do know, 

he is a very good person, a very sweet soul.

Misguided at times, and I have no delusions.

And I don't want him to change for all the money in the world.

And I expect the same in return, and I believe he does accept me, for me.

Of course, some behaviours are just ridiculous, and he knows this and is 

trying to change them.

It's hard to, especially when people won't give you a chance to, but he 

still wants to. But I still care about him, for him, who he is and what he has done and experienced in his life. And vice versa. 

I am willing.

I believe.

I know, I sound like a teenager don't I?

All trusting and shit.

Trust me, this is totally out of character for me.

You have no idea the inner turmoil I have gone through.

Trusting again, if ever, is so hard.

I even told him 'I don't trust you'

he said 'You shouldn't' 

Of course, this is after he said the same to me

a week prior.

I didn't mean it.

It was a defensive manouver. 

A stupid, scared little girl protecting herself.

Well, I am not a little girl.

And I am tired of protecting myself.

And yes, I do want someone to watch over me.

So I can watch over them.

Believe it.

xoxo