It's pathetic really.
And probably my biggest downfall.
What causes it? Why are some of my friends so calm?
WTF? Why do they look at me when I get all worked up like I am
some kind of freak?
I have never known the peace of 'letting things happen', nor have I ever
been able to say 'I'm sure it will work itself out'.
I must obsess, worry and spin myself out of control.
What purpose does it have...really.
Does reality change? Sure, when I freak out and mess it up with this
Usually, it takes more than one thing to really push me over the edge.
When I have one thing to worry about, I'm ok.
2? mmm, getting stressed.
3? need a drink.
4? game over....
Yes, my life is kinda up in the air right now.
Work, money etc etc.
Add to that the fact that I met someone, that I like. Which worries me. lol.
Can I just relax and let things happen? Can I just do my very best and enjoy?
Every couple of hours that go by without a call spell doom.
Every sent out resume that doesn't get answered spells trouble.
Every bill that comes to my door means destitute.
Every time my son goes to the park by himself means pervert alert, big time worry there.
Crazy isn't it?
And the sad part is that I am, and other people are too, getting damn sick and tired of it.
They avoid me. I frankly don't blame them.
When I get like this I am really hard to be around.
Can barely stand myself. And that worries me. lol.
It doesn't happen as much as it used to, thank god.
I am learning to catch the signs before I go Atomic.
But every once in awhile it creeps up on me.
All the little worries compound and BAM!
Is it a control issue? Am I overly emotional?
Am I just trained to believe that my worrying actually has an impact on the situation?
Really. Think about it.
But how to stop? how to believe?
I came across this article, which instead of giving me ridiculous exercises that my worryaddledbrain can't wrap it's head around, it actually made sense, and gave real life scenarios.
Will I always be like this or can I train myself to stop.
Let life unfold in front of me instead of trying to see where it is going next.
Maybe it's the belief that I actually have the power over it?
This excerpt from the above article pretty much hit the nail on the ole head for me:
"They're so intolerant of uncertainty that they'd rather be sure that something isn't going to work than endure not knowing what is going to happen."
It's the thought process of seeing the unknown as something negative, instead of positive.
How is that some of us are taught that and others aren't?
How do we get to that point?
So, what I am trying to do is think of times when I didn't have a clue how something would turn out, and it turned out positive. My mind has been tricked into thinking only negative. Time to trick it back.
Besides, aren't your own thoughts and actions REALLY the only thing you CAN control?
xo xo xo